I was lost for over 39 years. That was, until I petitioned the adoption courts for my non-identifying information and received a letter (non-id of course) from my biological mother. And then, found the online and offline adoption community. It has been a whirlwind of change ever since.
My whole life I could never connect the dots between what I was, to what I was told I should be. My adoptive parents continually told me everything about me was wrong. Maybe not so much in those exact words but many times it WAS in those exact words. Adjectives like “crazy”, “liar”, and “horrible” were terms applied to me on a regular basis. I could never understand what it was that they thought was so bad. They looked at me and only saw a child that was nothing like them (meaning "wrong"). I was being the only thing I knew how to be, myself.
My whole life I could never connect the dots between what I was, to what I was told I should be. My adoptive parents continually told me everything about me was wrong. Maybe not so much in those exact words but many times it WAS in those exact words. Adjectives like “crazy”, “liar”, and “horrible” were terms applied to me on a regular basis. I could never understand what it was that they thought was so bad. They looked at me and only saw a child that was nothing like them (meaning "wrong"). I was being the only thing I knew how to be, myself.
My husband is still appalled and shocked at how my adoptive mother speaks about and to me. I am not. I am used to being “tolerated” by them and long ago gave up this changing into any sort of love or support. Comments like “Well, we love ya but we don't like ya much” <insert severe southern twang> resonates in my soul some still. I'll admit it still hurts, but it no longer devastates me.
Why? Because now I have so many other adoptees I've joined hands, hearts, and arms with to help others in the quest to realize how adoption has affected them, and in what ways they too can learn to heal. That is why I am adamant about remaining in adoption reform and education until all adoptees have what they need, the truth about themselves.
This week I got to educate pro-adoption advocates, most who were not adoptees or biological parents, on the realities of adoption. They were actually realizing there was so much about it they were unaware of. Some people were asking questions and wanting honest answers to be provided to them. I've actually recruited one or more to foster care and adoption reform who were asking for information on how to become involved in changing the system. To work with us to eradicate the secrecy, fraud, and lies from children and future adults lives. It's exhilarating experiences like this that can take me from feeling the defeat of being raised in an abusive adoption situation gone wrong, to feeling triumphant in educating the world to the wrongs of adoption, and offerings solutions to right it.
Such a total waste of life for any person to wait until they are 40 years old, or some later as LDA's (late discovery adoptees) do, to find out who they really are. But, not having the truth about yourself can often do that. Some too, are never able to find it and spend their lives searching for it. That is wrong on so many levels it makes even the most advanced video games look simplistic. Not that I know much about video games except what I've heard. I don't have time for them nor do I like them. Because my own life has been reduced to a game of seek and find, and sometimes with unfair, outdated, archaic adoption laws "destroy", but unfortunately it's not pretend, it is very much reality.
I'm such a different person now than I was at age 40. It's like looking back at whole other, or really "unwhole", person. I'm still trying to fit the pieces together and the puzzle is far from complete. I joke and tell people I am really only eleven years old. It gets a chuckle and laughing about life is healing. I look forward to growing up even more into the person I could have been long ago in better circumstances. And, in my opinion, it's never too late to have a happy childhood. :)
