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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Still Lost - Equations

“Here's what I think: it's one thing to know that rejection is coming, and it's an entirely different thing when it arrives.” ~Autumn Doughton

I have heard that there are people who wish for more adoptee poetry.  I am not sure it's my poetry, but I will risk being rejected again. :)  The poem below is how I feel about being rejected, after multiple adoption court petitions for identifying information and contact with my biological family, by both of my biological parents.

Trying to be part of something you aren't and probably never will be within either family as an adoptee, especially during the holiday season, is exhausting.   We can play the "part", put on the "face", and pretend.  We've been "playing" it all of our lives.

We are all entering this Holiday season with pain, anguish, anxiety, and stress that other people can't fathom.  They can't get it.  That's why I am thankful this season to be a part of this group, of these sisters, of these amazing accepting women, I can call my own.

Equations

One plus one they say makes two but I'm not sure that this is true.
In this case one and one makes three explaining how I came to be.
Then three came in between the sum, divides them back to one and one.
These equations seems to break all the laws of give and take.
But life not always plays by rules, nor the facts we learned in school.
I know this all so very well, I only hope to "show and tell".
When one and one took separate paths that no one needs to do the math.
To see this story problem's mine.
I'm the remainder left behind.

The Awkwardness Adoption Creates

I don't know if you can recall my weird decision about my Korean birth family - long story short I decided to put them on hold for a while. Unfortunately the cultural differences and expectations meant that my dear siblings and birth parents got a bit greedy and demanded things that I and my mum and dad couldn't agree to. For a long time I haven't written to them or sent them any pictures , I literately put them on a shelf deep in my mind and closed the door behind.

There was a lot of accidents and health issues occurring last year my Appa got terminal cancer and my oldest Onni got in a severe accident and badly hurt her face - tumbling down a mountain after getting some tree branches in the face she fell face down on the rocks and stones. It could have ended very badly fortunately it didn't she survived yet badly hurt and with a facial scar.

Since all my six Onnis are older than I am the oldest ones have gotten married and either focus on their carriers , businesses or already started a family. My oldest Onni is over 40 years old and she has two children - a daughter and a son. I became an auntie when I was 13 years old even though I didn't' know that because neither of my Onnis knew of my existence by then...

Another Onni got married last year and since she unfortunately can't have any children she is determined to make her clothes store a success along with her husband. I believe she actually met her husband through work although I can't be sure.

Then there's the Onni who I used to be very closed to - I say used to because I'm no longer close to her or any of the family members in my birth family. She got married 5 years ago, if I recall correctly; she has two children born very close after each other. A daughter and a son and her husband works at Samsung so he might be successful or maybe a little above average I can't be sure. The daughter should be about 4 and the son a little over 3.