Thursday, December 31, 2015


I wish my life was different---at least some aspects of it. I concure that I'm disappointed, yet I do hold no regrets. My love for them---my family hasn't changed at all. Now I realize that I need to accept that my expectations were too high, maybe once I realize that I will be able to end the blame and blaming of myself. I refuse to let time heal all wounds--- life is painful sometimes and more of a journey than a mere destination. I don't want to move on if it means that I should forget my birth family. Forgetting someting as important as that would be to deny a part of myself and live in constant denial. However just as I don't consider myself to be a victim I realize that life sometimes is more complicated than what the surface makes you believe.

We also need to realize and accept that we cannot control or change other people to be what we may or may not them to be. The only thing we can control is the development of self--even if we might want to change people's opinions, arguments and beliefs that remains outside our human control. I must start to look within myself and accept myself completely as I am. Without thinking that it requires me to change, abandon or compromise on something. If you're not willing to allow me the freedom to be myself  than you're not worth my attention, energy or time least not my friendship or any kind of love.

I could have had a daughter or a son already but fortunately the young life was lost before it could be confirmed. Maybe things happens for a reason I was way too young back then not emotionally mature even if my age indicated otherwise. It would have been an abusive relationship too...

Some experts or so called mediums believes that our souls sometimes return back to earth. Sometimes these people and more so a young child are convinced that they had another life before their current one. That they have some some kind of purpose that makes be incarnated and then there are those who goes eve further. And argue that every soul gng their gets to make a concious choice about their parents and in so doing their very life and future.
If that is true I wonder if I really made the concious choice to be born by one set of parents while raised by  other people...  I'm not sure if that thought comforts me or disturbs me the most...  A physic person once told mom  claimed that adopted persons have very mature souls, souls that reached the limit in one continent now have no choice but to go on a journey to a different culture. While they say that some also say that it is common that the some souls are reincarnated into the same family...

If tht is true I actually resent myself and wonder why I conciously would have made the choice I made. Because I wish my life was different, more than anything I wish I never would have lost my older sisters. That's the thing I miss the most yet I also know it's probably not possible for me to ever regain that.

My life with my APs has not been bad by no means yet a part of me actually wish I never would have beeen adopted that I wouldn't have had to be separated from the country of my birth and lose it's unique culture. Then  I would at least keep my original mother tongue and be raised and aware of a culture and society that I never fully will grasp.

Yet I won't lie mom and I often but heads-last time was just before Christmas I overheard one of my mother's phonecalls I hadn't planned to believe me. I wish I could unhear what I heard...

this almost destroyed our family.... this has saved my family.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Losing my Birth Father, by Guest Author, Carmen Hinckley

Copyright: stillfx

Guest Submission by Carmen Hinckley

I was born in Brazil. As an infant, I was moved from the city of my birth to a children’s home where I was adopted. The beginning of my life was abrupt and unknown and although I was only a few weeks old when I was adopted, I believe it has affected and influenced me in many ways.

Six years ago, my adoptive mother and I visited Brazil to meet friends and reunite with my birth family. We were so very fortunate to have these opportunities and treasure them forever. The reunion was the best day of my life. A few months ago, I decided to work on writing my adoption story. I would include all of the events that happened around the reunion. Then one night, as I browsed the Internet, a life-changing event occurred that altered my story and many of my feelings as an adoptee.

As I began writing a new section of my story, I had a strong and persistent feeling that I should Google my birth father’s name to see if I could find any new or updated information about him. As a public official, it is very likely that his name would appear in an Internet search. Shockingly, only a minute or two into searching for him, I found out that he had died almost a month prior. He was an old man, and I knew he couldn’t live forever, but the onslaught of emotions I felt was overwhelming. My initial feelings were those of vulnerability. This could really happen to ME. I was not safe from experiencing this kind of loss, even on another continent, far away from it all. I felt like a spotlight was shining down on me, asking, “How does this make you feel?” After that, my feelings turned to sadness, confusion, wishing I had known sooner, excitement over opportunities to find new information, and the desire to turn this event into a positive situation. I had no idea how to deal initially because I had never been through this experience and I had no clue how to even begin to approach it. I started with simply telling some people in my life. First, my mom, next, the people who helped me find my birth parents.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Review of V.L Brunskill's Waving Backwards

V.L Brunskill author Waving Backwards paints an all too familiar picture of the female protagonist's life. The Bible is important for the story as well as the protagonist since it is through the Bible that she discovers small details of her own identity. The familiar elements were the fact that Laura Bonavito was an adoptee, struggling with coming to terms with who she really is. Like many adoptees she had questions about who her birth parents were. I identify with that part having had those feelings and thoughts myself once.

American readers or those familiar with Savannah Georgia might be able to understand that the title has several meanings, one that is clue to where the novel is set. The intriguing title is a reference to the Waving Girl statue in Savannah, Georgia on the East River Street as a tribute to the legend of an actual waving girl ,Florence Martus 1868-1943. This immediately gets me to think of an American classic namely Gone with the wind by Margaret Mitchell. The heroine in Mitchell’s novel also goes through a similar challenge like Laura. I also start see link’s to L.M Montgomery’s fictional Anne of Green Gables. Anne Shirley and Miss Bonavito both desperately wants to find out who their birth parents were. That is fine but reality is some adoptees actually never want to find their birth parents for several different reasons. 

 It should be every adoptee’s birth right to know who their birthparents are (but only if they want to know it themselves), sadly that is very often not the case. The book was difficult for me to read since every adoptee must be prepared to make a choice between knowing the truth or getting the answer’s that they want. Not every adoptee is emotionally ready for the truth.

The author makes me wish that the protagonist gets to find out who her birth parents are. As the story continues I want Laura Bonavito to get the answers that she seeks. That seems to be the first lesson the author wants readers to know. As she continues with her journey Miss Bonavito grows as a person. You are stronger than you realize.

 For potential readers that is able to finish the novel I think they will appreciate how authentic it may seem. Just like actual life it is a novel that mimics reality and not the other way around. Sometimes life is stranger than fiction. I think this novel will pull at the heart strings of adult adoptees and people that are affected by adoption. I want to recommend it but I think that some adoptees that read it may struggle with it since it basically presents likely worst-case scenarios some readers might not be willing to confront in their own life.

Once you know you and have the answers you very well might realize it isn't the answer that you wished for. So is it better to live in obliviousness or would you prefer to know the truth whatever it may be... By not searching adoptees are able to create their own picture of who their birth parents may be... Sometimes maybe that is better than actually knowing, because knowing the truth might be detrimental to your self-esteem and only further create more questions, questions that most likely never will be answered.