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Thursday, January 8, 2015

The Gospel According to Gretchen

My natural father and I found each other through International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR) in 1998. During the first year of our reunion, I was inspired to write the following satire which chronicles our experience with Catholic Charities of Fairfield County in Connecticut.

Mary and Joseph weren’t married. Joseph wasn’t Jesus’ natural father. So you have to wonder—what would happen if God the Supreme Ruler of the Universe (and natural father) went to Catholic Charities requesting information on his son.

The year is 1999. The place is Catholic Charities of Greater Bethlehem.

Hi, my name is God the Supreme Ruler of the Universe. About 2000 years ago, I fathered a son. I believe he was born sometime in December. I would like to find out what happened to him and make myself available should he have any questions.

Catholic Charities:
How much money do you have on you God? Because for a mere $1 million “donation” to Catholic Charities, you can sign a useless piece of paper with all of your information on it that we have no intention of giving to your son should he contact us.

Well, that sounds like a good deal. Let me get out my checkbook. Can you tell me anything about my son?