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Saturday, April 16, 2016

It Was Never About My Brothers



I feel like I might be running out of stories to write here at Lost Daughters, which to me has been a safe haven and secure and safe environment for many years now. I just realized there is one topic that I so far haven't shared with you---why, because I haven't felt it was appropriate to share just yet. Now though I feel like the time for this story is just right.

source


You should all be aware of the fact that my relationship with males has been very problematic, and especially the male relationships I have with my two brothers; my younger brother Namdongsaeng but also my adopted younger brother. I was given up for adoption because of two important things; 
poverty and disappointment at a very unfortunate time in my birthparents lives. Unfortunately I was extremely hurt, I felt rejected, uninportant, unwanted and unloved yet I also felt very sad because our existances were so dependent on each other. He might not have been born if it hadn't been for me and my relinquishment. The patriarchial society and. hierchial society that Korea still is- I have despised, but I'm beginning to accept it now.
Psy, Oppa Gangnam style source


My brother is someone who I deeply love and I would sacrifice a lot for him only to see him happy. Over the years our relationship has been strained and difficult with many arguments, disagreements and even fights. Now I realize that I never disliked him---how could I ... To me my brother represented everything I wasn't, successful, outgoing, karismatic and kind, not that I don't have those qualities too I do.  The feeling of being secondbest, and not good enough made me almost resent him at times-he often took it upon himself to remind me of the fact that I should be grateful for the things he helped me with and he often used that argument as an excuse for me to give him things in return. At times this things he gave me only further strenghted my feelings of never being able to repay him--- always being in debt to him, owing him a favor. The thing is I actually never asked him to help me attain the things he so easily gave me.


What I can say though is that my life have been enriched by the very existance of my younger brother, I am very proud of him but I can just as easily dislike him in the next moment. I have never actually disliked him, I love him just as a natural sister would it is only his actions that sometimes can't understand or accept... That is the difference.
Being born as a female in the 20th century being young and maturing into an adult in the 21st century - maybe there's no surprise that I do have similar opinions and beliefs that feminists have. For that reason though I would acknowledge that life seems to be easier for men since a large part of the Western society is a patriarchy-still. This does not mean I feel like a young man trapped inside the body of a female nor does it mean that I search for love in other females. Anyone who might have believed that I would be a secret lesbian or bisexual woman, now you know you know the truth. I also hope that this will be the first and only time that I feel like I have to defend my own thinking.