Monday, February 8, 2016

Chance or Choice


Destiny or chance
That's not what life's about
Adoption's not
Destiny it's a
Concious choice
Just like love
Isn't either chance
Or choice
Life's about
Constant choices
Every day
Human's are architects of their own faith
By the way I don't believe in destiny
If human's are creators of their own lives
Why can't adoptees be
Adoptees are humans too

The hard reality for many adoptees is circumstantial if anything.
Of course prospective adoptive parents
Begin to plan and prepare for raising and caring for a healthy cute child.
Can you really prepare for such a huge responsability though?
Someone recently told me that if they'd known one of their adopted children
Was born with an unknown or hidden mental disability
They would have respectfully declined.
Should it really be up for the prospective adoptive parents to call all the shots?
I cry for that child it would be yet another type of rejection.
Fragile bonds just healed would be shattered to the floor all over again.
Healed wounds not yet healed would be ripped open.
Left to bleed...

Let me ask you once again do you think life is based on chance or choice?

Monday, January 18, 2016

Dearest Non-Adoptee …

Dearest Non-Adoptee,

Remember the innocence of childhood? I suspect you asked your mother, as my own children do, about that day you entered the world. It’s magical to think of that first breath, the wonder of a brand-spanking new brain just starting to spark.

If you are a firstborn, I suspect your parents recorded the dates of your first smile, your first tooth, that first crawl across the floor and then the monumental wobbly first step. All those things make you a living person who will grow up and later share these special moments with your own children.

I ask that you now understand me. Those moments which I preciously hold for my children are the same moments I want to hold for myself. Holding and staring at the few photographs I have of myself as a baby have sustained me for 48 years, but now, I know there are other notes taken by those who knew me during these times. Surrogates of a mother hold those memories of my life before I was someone’s “firstborn.”

One of my childhood memories that my adoptive mother shared with me was her sadness in seeing me walking in my first birthday photograph, a photograph sent to her by my foster mother via Holt Korea. She wanted that moment to hold for me and pass down to me. The loss of that milestone brought her great sadness and brings me sorrow to this day.

Imagine if someone, a stranger, held these precious memories … photographs, records of that first year, the developmental landmarks.

Saturdays are my days in Seoul to relax with fellow adoptees or spend much needed time with my little family of four. But this Saturday, I spent it with not only adoptees who were silent, but with non-adoptees who drove the conversation.

The one-sided conversation was sterile, matter of fact and rehearsed. The same words were repeated … “KAS is not allowed,” “no systematic guidelines,” “the law does not allow” …

Such surgical words applied to my life experience. Asking for my adoption file, all portions of my file is my plea to be that child of wonder looking for the information that makes me feel part of the human race.

KAS, Korean Adoption Services, is the governmental agency that acts as a liaison between the adoption agencies and the adoptees in post adoption services; adoptees are asked to submit requests for information through KAS. The KAS social worker handling my case fielded questions, but it seemed she lacked the understanding of why adoptees feel passionate about holding those files.

It is no fault of hers or yours that she and you were not adopted. How can you know what adoptees want or need?

And yet, our lives are now revealed as more nuanced than the agency script of a “better life.”

There is also a “hands-tied,” sympathetic conversation with my adoption agency … an illusion to a law I do not know, nor can I find. A law many years old that dictates how much of my life on the pages of my file may be shared with me. No one but me, my children and my sister are left to request the letters and photograph of my parents … my adoptive parents.

The domestic adoptee movement is catching momentum. More and more states are granting access to original birth certificates (#OBC). Domestic adoptees are a large group of American-born citizens, organized and able to bring the change. I hope that someday, when their wave comes crashing to the shores of justice, our transnational one will not be far behind. For now, transnational, international adoptees are scattered by the challenges of various injustices; many of us are just hanging on.

My plea to you is to be an ally. Understand that the things you cherish about your first years are the exact things we seek for ourselves and our children.

In humble sincerity,

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Without Consent: A Review of the Travelling Exhibition About the History of Forced Adoption in Australia from 1950-1975.

Australia's prime minister Julia Gillard. Photograph: Mark Graham/AFP/Getty Images (source).

By Guest Author: Kylie Carman-Brown, BA Hons, PhD
When it comes to acknowledging the impact of adoption on children, Australia, I am proud to say, leads the world.

In 21 March 2013, Prime Minister Julia Gillard delivered an apology on behalf of the nation to all those who were affected by the practice of forced adoption. Since that historic day, the National Archives of Australia has worked to produce a website and a national touring exhibition. The exhibition was launched two years later, and Ms Gillard agreed to open it.

As a historian and an adoptee, I’ve had a strong interest in the project. The day after attending the apology, I wrote and asked them if I could help in any way. It took a while, but I ended up writing website content, and I have also loaned objects. It’s been a curious process, being both a participant in the creation of the exhibition and one of its subjects. It has brought more pain and grief to the surface to be healed, which is necessary but unpleasant, and at the same time, I think it is one of the most worthwhile projects I have ever been involved with.

The exhibition and website was one of the recommendations from the Senate Enquiry in historic adoption practices. The task was given to the National Archives of Australia, with an incredibly short lead time. The Archives was instructed to have an exhibition ready to open for the second anniversary of the apology. Given that the National Archives had limited material on which to draw from in their collection, the task was more than daunting.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Customer's Complaint on Placed Order 1 Object Mum

If I only got to wish one thing from my mum, this is what I'd wish for-instead of searching for confirmation and attention to please her own fragile ego I'd wish she'd use at least some of that time on me. At least trying to convince me that I haven't failed her as a daughter and that she doesn't require me to be a picture perfect daughter. But I know she may never be able to take that responsibility. She's still so very insecure in herself, and very sensitive. The first word I'd use to describe her would be perfectionist. Don't get me wrong I do love my mum a lot and during certain circumstances I believe she did the best she could.

Part of why I'd say that the adoptive parents as well as the birth parents both needs to be better educated when it comes to (transracial) adoption is based on my own experiences. That's also why I'd say that not every couple would make good parents and why not everyone that seeks to parent from adoption should. Some people may just not be fully aware of exactly what it means--what is expected of them and what the adoptee should request.

Any person just isn't suitable to parent (which could be due to many different circumstances) I do also know that there are other adult adoptees that have had it far worse than I have. Personally speaking, I'm trying to say that I'd wish for another mum or a new mum. I do love my mum, I just wish future prospective parents would receive better education so they may be fully prepared for what may come and what to expect along the line. Some prospective adoptive parents may not be suitable and should not be allowed to parent through adoption without a proper social support from friends, family and health care.

I have never shared this part about my life with anyone---this is the first time. My mum begun to mention suicide and death when I was in my early teens. Up until that point in my life she never had before, I reacted to this by slowly distancing myself from her instead seeking support from my dad. I never mentioned this to my parents before, I don't think I realized exactly how much it may have impacted my life and influenced me... I hate to admit it but I may be more alike my mum than I would like to admit perhaps even just like her. Children learn what parents do ---they don't do as adults tell them to do instead they do what they do. 

Thursday, December 31, 2015


I wish my life was different---at least some aspects of it. I concure that I'm disappointed, yet I do hold no regrets. My love for them---my family hasn't changed at all. Now I realize that I need to accept that my expectations were too high, maybe once I realize that I will be able to end the blame and blaming of myself. I refuse to let time heal all wounds--- life is painful sometimes and more of a journey than a mere destination. I don't want to move on if it means that I should forget my birth family. Forgetting someting as important as that would be to deny a part of myself and live in constant denial. However just as I don't consider myself to be a victim I realize that life sometimes is more complicated than what the surface makes you believe.

We also need to realize and accept that we cannot control or change other people to be what we may or may not them to be. The only thing we can control is the development of self--even if we might want to change people's opinions, arguments and beliefs that remains outside our human control. I must start to look within myself and accept myself completely as I am. Without thinking that it requires me to change, abandon or compromise on something. If you're not willing to allow me the freedom to be myself  than you're not worth my attention, energy or time least not my friendship or any kind of love.

I could have had a daughter or a son already but fortunately the young life was lost before it could be confirmed. Maybe things happens for a reason I was way too young back then not emotionally mature even if my age indicated otherwise. It would have been an abusive relationship too...

Some experts or so called mediums believes that our souls sometimes return back to earth. Sometimes these people and more so a young child are convinced that they had another life before their current one. That they have some some kind of purpose that makes be incarnated and then there are those who goes eve further. And argue that every soul gng their gets to make a concious choice about their parents and in so doing their very life and future.
If that is true I wonder if I really made the concious choice to be born by one set of parents while raised by  other people...  I'm not sure if that thought comforts me or disturbs me the most...  A physic person once told mom  claimed that adopted persons have very mature souls, souls that reached the limit in one continent now have no choice but to go on a journey to a different culture. While they say that some also say that it is common that the some souls are reincarnated into the same family...

If tht is true I actually resent myself and wonder why I conciously would have made the choice I made. Because I wish my life was different, more than anything I wish I never would have lost my older sisters. That's the thing I miss the most yet I also know it's probably not possible for me to ever regain that.

My life with my APs has not been bad by no means yet a part of me actually wish I never would have beeen adopted that I wouldn't have had to be separated from the country of my birth and lose it's unique culture. Then  I would at least keep my original mother tongue and be raised and aware of a culture and society that I never fully will grasp.

Yet I won't lie mom and I often but heads-last time was just before Christmas I overheard one of my mother's phonecalls I hadn't planned to believe me. I wish I could unhear what I heard...

this almost destroyed our family.... this has saved my family.
Suffice it too say mom was supposedly sharing wih a very close friend, and I shouldn't be surprised since my dear mom has acted like this since forever. Or to be fair for as long as I can remember.  What exacly did those snipets of dialogue mean you may ask. I became extremely hurt since mom was blaming me for all the previous drama in her family and she was grateful that she actually could hold me both responsible and accountable for the wrongs in her life.

That's exactly how dysfunctional my relationship still is with my dear mom. I don't know how to fix it I just hope I will not grow up to mimick her when I'm older. This is also one of many reasons why I fear starting a family. I absolutely don't want to grow up and become my dear mom.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Losing my Birth Father, by Guest Author, Carmen Hinckley

Copyright: stillfx

Guest Submission by Carmen Hinckley

I was born in Brazil. As an infant, I was moved from the city of my birth to a children’s home where I was adopted. The beginning of my life was abrupt and unknown and although I was only a few weeks old when I was adopted, I believe it has affected and influenced me in many ways.

Six years ago, my adoptive mother and I visited Brazil to meet friends and reunite with my birth family. We were so very fortunate to have these opportunities and treasure them forever. The reunion was the best day of my life. A few months ago, I decided to work on writing my adoption story. I would include all of the events that happened around the reunion. Then one night, as I browsed the Internet, a life-changing event occurred that altered my story and many of my feelings as an adoptee.

As I began writing a new section of my story, I had a strong and persistent feeling that I should Google my birth father’s name to see if I could find any new or updated information about him. As a public official, it is very likely that his name would appear in an Internet search. Shockingly, only a minute or two into searching for him, I found out that he had died almost a month prior. He was an old man, and I knew he couldn’t live forever, but the onslaught of emotions I felt was overwhelming. My initial feelings were those of vulnerability. This could really happen to ME. I was not safe from experiencing this kind of loss, even on another continent, far away from it all. I felt like a spotlight was shining down on me, asking, “How does this make you feel?” After that, my feelings turned to sadness, confusion, wishing I had known sooner, excitement over opportunities to find new information, and the desire to turn this event into a positive situation. I had no idea how to deal initially because I had never been through this experience and I had no clue how to even begin to approach it. I started with simply telling some people in my life. First, my mom, next, the people who helped me find my birth parents.