Saturday, May 28, 2016

Damaged Goods

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As I grew older, I was sometimes told and often heard that adoptees would be similar to damaged goods, that relationship as girlfriend and boyfriend would be difficult and that it would be potentially challenging for a spouse if they ever married an adult adoptee (especially transracial adoptee). I really dislike these prejudices sure they my be true-for some but than again doesn't everyone have their own share of personal struggles in life, everyone has as far as I know.  Not too long ago an AP told me that I shouldn't spend my time on things I cannot change instead, they advised me I should spend it on my birth family. Same person also told me parents are humans that make mistakes. Clearly this person didn't hear what I was saying or rather they didn't want to listen to what I had to say. 


I will not deny that there may be specific issues that some adult adoptees stuggle with as they go through life. First, the feeling of never feeling good enough, a lack of self worth. Second, abandonment issues and fear of rejection. Those are issues that adoptees may face however they are not an issue every adoptee struggles with, just as well as non adopted person may have a hard time dealing with the exact thing.


(Dear adult adoptees - male adoptees too) Therefore, I can assure you that no, you're not unlovable or unworthy, you are just as precious as anyone else because there are no other person extcly like you. You are unique never forget that. Sure enough I had my shares of challenges related to my own adoption, but no I am not unlovable - I never was. Someone recently assured me of the fact that I am in fact worthy of love and I deserve to be loved. There's no need for me to change or censor myself, why should it be... Anyone who claims you need to change to see the error of your ways are not anyone I would be inclined to call my fiend and I should have to so I don't.

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I was searching for a male father figure to heal my wounds and by doing this it it would be just as my Korean father apologized to me. The thing is though that I don't need to search for that kind of recognition - not anymore. Yet, perhaps it is easier for another adoptee to understand each others personal emotional struggles so maybe it does not come as big surprise that many end up up with another adoptee.

I know I used to say things like I'd never settle down and I would never marry and definitely not have an children. Things change as we develop and journey through life that's all I can say. So never say never or you might get exactly what you think you want. That day, the day I say never would be here has proven to be closer in time than I ever imagined.....


I am really not convinced I am in a position that would enable me to confidently raise a child in a proper way... That has to with the fact that I still love, or no I have in fact, always loved my birthfamily. The society I was raised acts like it is strange... Sometimes society has expected me to be kind and grateful towards my APs. In translation my birthfamily search might only destroy the woman that raised me. I even remember a teacher I had in High School, that acted really inappropriately towards me, it was really not her place to take her own insecurites and worries out of on me. Simply because she acted out of her own fear, as an adoptive parent not a teacher. She tried her best to reason with me, she did not want me to search for my birthfamily which I understood was her way to deal with her own situation.

Fortunately for me my APs supported my decision and my will to search...

I still find it difficult to deal with how I appropriate handle and display my loyality and unconditional love towards one family without hurting the other. There is no justice when it comes to birth family reunions' for adoptees, the APs or the birthfamilies...





Thursday, May 26, 2016

We were never meant to survive.

My heart ripped apart at the news of a young, Black, transracial adoptee sexually assaulted by white boys after enduring previous incidents of abuse in school.

The ranks of our sisterhood took life. The brunt of this hit all of us, but my sisters of color … we were triggered and floored again.



In recent months, I have been coming to terms with a sexual assault some 30 years ago. I was silent and scared. Someday, I hope to write more fully on what I remember. But this recent incident has jarred me. I have torn that wound open again so that the puss can finally flow, and I bleed.

I stare at this bloody mess from afar … as though it isn’t me. “It doesn’t hurt anymore,” I have told myself. I can handle it. I brought it all on myself.

But reading the news story, the adoptee’s initial hope that he would get some form of acceptance … a hug … the puss of our racist society enflames the wound. Anger wells up inside me. Anger at myself for never sharing. Anger at myself for not speaking louder as white voices shush me and ask me to calm down. I can no longer “be resilient” as a young boy becomes a victim of the violence from white hands. Why should we be “survivors”?

Who am I protecting? The adoption industry that places adoptees in white communities? Parents’ delicate egos? White fragility?

Parents are moving their transracial adoptees further from those who could help them form their identity. Our biological heritage should not be denied or whitened. Our bodies are not toys for racists to do as they choose. Nor should our black and brown bodies be trivialized by one woman who chose to use our term, “transracial,” to secure her fame and book deal.

Will Rachel Dolezal now address the pain of this transracial boy? Was her life filled with this abuse?

Transracial adoptees have lived in silence for too long. We kept appearances … for our parents, for our adoptive families, for ourselves. It was a matter of self preservation. I have blamed my face, my body, my unknown culture for my “resilience.”

No. More.


Feminist columnist, Rosita González is a transracial, Korean-American adoptee. She is married to a Brit and is a mother to two multiracial children. Rosita was adopted in 1968 at the age of one through Holt International. Her road has been speckled with Puerto Rican and Appalachian relatives and her multiracial sister, the natural child of her adoptive parents. While quite content with her role as a “Tennerican,” her curiosity has grown recently as her children explore their own ethnic identities. She considers herself a lost daughter, not only because of the loss of her first family, but also because of the loss of her adoptive parents. After her adoptive father’s death, she discovered that he had fathered a Korean son two years before her birth; she is searching for him. Rosita recently returned to the United States after a five-month stint in Seoul, South Korea with her family and their three cats. Follow her adventures as an adoptee on her blog, mothermade.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Happy Relinquishment!

Shocking, right? How could I say such a thing to anyone?

Well, the words, “Happy Birthday!” feel that way to me. That joyous day when we all celebrate our entry into the world … that day eludes me.

My entry into the world was May 24, 1968, the day my baby self appeared at a police station and was immediately taken to the adoption agency …


Each “Happy Birthday!” or the simple question on a form that asks “Birthdate?” slaps me into my reality. I am severed from knowing my past before my six-month-old founding.

Currently, in Indiana, a non-profit has installed a baby box. I understand the good intentions, but sometimes, good intentions disregard the lives of those involved, those little ones without a voice.

In the recent press coverage, a woman stands next to the box, smiling broadly. Her smile seems to mock me. I realize that is not her intention. But just a little thought … research … questioning of Chinese adoptees or other Korean adoptees who were “abandoned” is all I ask. Perhaps, if she understood the impact of the box, she would have thought differently about placing herself in the picture.

If the baby box appears in your feed, please take a moment and comment with a link to this post.

This box is a violation of the baby’s human rights. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, November 1989, article 8, states the following:
  1. States Parties undertake to respect the right of the child to preserve his or her identity, including nationality, name and family relations as recognized by law without unlawful interference. 
  2. Where a child is illegally deprived of some or all of the elements of his or her identity, States Parties shall provide appropriate assistance and protection, with a view to re-establishing speedily his or her identity.
Let’s work for all children to be able to enjoy that date in their life where they feel special … their birthday. Everyone deserves to have a birth story and a record of a birthdate. Let’s not rob future generations of this basic human right.



Feminist columnist, Rosita González is a transracial, Korean-American adoptee. She is married to a Brit and is a mother to two multiracial children. Rosita was adopted in 1968 at the age of one through Holt International. Her road has been speckled with Puerto Rican and Appalachian relatives and her multiracial sister, the natural child of her adoptive parents. While quite content with her role as a “Tennerican,” her curiosity has grown recently as her children explore their own ethnic identities. She considers herself a lost daughter, not only because of the loss of her first family, but also because of the loss of her adoptive parents. After her adoptive father’s death, she discovered that he had fathered a Korean son two years before her birth; she is searching for him. Rosita recently returned to the United States after a five-month stint in Seoul, South Korea with her family and their three cats. Follow her adventures as an adoptee on her blog, mothermade.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

It Was Never About My Brothers



I feel like I might be running out of stories to write here at Lost Daughters, which to me has been a safe haven and secure and safe environment for many years now. I just realized there is one topic that I so far haven't shared with you---why, because I haven't felt it was appropriate to share just yet. Now though I feel like the time for this story is just right.

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You should all be aware of the fact that my relationship with males has been very problematic, and especially the male relationships I have with my two brothers; my younger brother Namdongsaeng but also my adopted younger brother. I was given up for adoption because of two important things; 
poverty and disappointment at a very unfortunate time in my birthparents lives. Unfortunately I was extremely hurt, I felt rejected, uninportant, unwanted and unloved yet I also felt very sad because our existances were so dependent on each other. He might not have been born if it hadn't been for me and my relinquishment. The patriarchial society and. hierchial society that Korea still is- I have despised, but I'm beginning to accept it now.
Psy, Oppa Gangnam style source


My brother is someone who I deeply love and I would sacrifice a lot for him only to see him happy. Over the years our relationship has been strained and difficult with many arguments, disagreements and even fights. Now I realize that I never disliked him---how could I ... To me my brother represented everything I wasn't, successful, outgoing, karismatic and kind, not that I don't have those qualities too I do.  The feeling of being secondbest, and not good enough made me almost resent him at times-he often took it upon himself to remind me of the fact that I should be grateful for the things he helped me with and he often used that argument as an excuse for me to give him things in return. At times this things he gave me only further strenghted my feelings of never being able to repay him--- always being in debt to him, owing him a favor. The thing is I actually never asked him to help me attain the things he so easily gave me.


What I can say though is that my life have been enriched by the very existance of my younger brother, I am very proud of him but I can just as easily dislike him in the next moment. I have never actually disliked him, I love him just as a natural sister would it is only his actions that sometimes can't understand or accept... That is the difference.
Being born as a female in the 20th century being young and maturing into an adult in the 21st century - maybe there's no surprise that I do have similar opinions and beliefs that feminists have. For that reason though I would acknowledge that life seems to be easier for men since a large part of the Western society is a patriarchy-still. This does not mean I feel like a young man trapped inside the body of a female nor does it mean that I search for love in other females. Anyone who might have believed that I would be a secret lesbian or bisexual woman, now you know you know the truth. I also hope that this will be the first and only time that I feel like I have to defend my own thinking. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

Review of ABANDONED ADOPTED HERE, the New Doc by British Director & Actress LUCY SHEEN



"From 50s, 60s Colonial Hong Kong to pre-multicultural UK, a group of Hong Kong foundlings were transracially adopted. Lucy interviewed a few of her fellow adoptees to explore whether their experience of identity and belonging had been as challenging as hers. How far do other British East Asians feel a lack of belonging or identity or is it just something that culturally displaced babies and children feel?

This documentary has been selected for screening at Singapore World International Film Festival, Hong Kong World International Film Festival and Minnesota Transracial Film Festival."


“Abandoned Adopted Here is one of the best treatments of transracial identity in film that I have seen.” 


—Dawn Tomlinson, President of AdopSource Minneapolis.


Name of Contact: Heather lai
Company Name: Foundling Productions - Lucy Sheen
Contact Phone Number: 07796678882
Contact E-mail: heather_lai@hotmail.com , lucy.sheen@icloud.com Box-office website: https://www.ticketsource.co.uk/date/239995 Website Abandoned Adopted Here - See more at: http://madammiaow.blogspot.co.uk/2016/03/lucy-sheen-abandoned-adopted-here-documentary.html#sthash.1SJekuOx.dpuf



Dear Sisters,

In the midst of watching this fascinating new (soon-to-be released) doc by Lucy Sheen. TBC…


Much Love,
Jennifer

Native Province: Taipei and Jiangsu (mainland China) Hometown: Laguna Beach (OC), California Arrived in the USA: Dec 1979 / Jan 1980 Education: NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts & Harvard Generation: G2, “A Global Generation” Proud Big Sister of: Chris (from Seoul, South Korea) Why This Blog: “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” Helen Keller

Friday, April 8, 2016

"The Un-Daughter: The Legacy of a Non-Father" by Guest Author, Buddhika Arcia

By Guest Author: Buddhika Arcia

The cause of my adoption is essentially akin to the dominant scenario within the Baby Scoop Era, but set in Sri Lanka in the early 80s. My birth parents were not married, and my father, not wanting any responsibility, heard about me and ran for the hills. He was completely absent, not even present during the time that I was in utero. The epitome of the non-father. What really is there to say about a birth father like mine? If something is absent, can it have any effect on you? If a person has no name, look, voice or reference point, does that mean they have no impact?

Yet absence most certainly has an effect. Absence is felt and seen and it can shape you. How many adoptees have been shaped by the actions of their birth parents though they have never met them; maybe because of the fact that they have never met them? And of course, without even knowing the whys and wherefores of our birth parents, we are shaped, at least partially, by their DNA.

NON: Expressing negation or absence
(Oxforddictionaries.com)

There are many views floated in the world about who constitutes a father and what it means to be a father (and likewise; a mother). People have said it takes more than making a baby to be a father, however that is a purely social interpretation which imports within its definition a value judgement about a good father. That is not a biological definition. Whatever heartfelt notions the word ‘father’ certainly brings up for me in reference to my (adoptive) dad… the man who gave me his DNA, following the biological definition, cannot stop being my father. I am his daughter whether he likes it or not and whether I like it or not.