Forgiveness Heals All Wounds

It seems I've been living my life incorrect, I cling on to past events and fear that history will repeat itself. People have told me several times that I need to stop living in the past or else I'll always consider myself a victim. I know I cannot change what's already happened-it was beyond my control. Yet I still seem unable to simply move on, time doesn't heal all wounds. The trauma that was done to me came at such a crucial time in my life that it still affects me as an adult.

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A few years ago I went on a greif-counseling seminar and the person said we have to forgive ourself or ask for people to forgive us. Instead of seeing the events as independent or connected events focus on the relationships you have with other people even animals and inate objects.

This would mean I am more or less forced to forgive my maternal relative for what they did to me. I wish it would be the other way around. A part of me doesn't want to forgive this relative, especially not since my birthparents chose to cut all ties with this person. Their betrayal was to great. Maybe I will be able to eventually forgive this person. Forgiveness is one thing but forgetting is another the trauma I still suffer from is the cause of all my problems. They are of such a nature that it simply is impossible for me to just forget them the damage was to great...

Time does not heal all wounds and sometimes it's not possible to just forgive...

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Once I managed that I should probably try to forgive my birthfather-for years I held him responsible for separating me from the rest of my birthfamily. Now I know he is without guilt just as my birthmother is, my birthmother didn't even know if the child she just gave birth to was alive or not. I believe I also need to forgive her for thinking she agreed to being separated from the child she had protected for nine months.

That only leaves my younger siblings, I used to blame my younger birth sibling for being born and in a way I held them responsible for separating me from the rest of my family. I am saddened that my separation meant I wouldn't get a chance to get to know them as their sister. I know I also should forgive the younger brother that my APs had- I used to somehow punish him for being the brother that I ultimately lost. I also used to compare myself to him which probably was unfare because we are total polar opposites he is social, funny and outgoing he excels in everything he does. He seems to have no difficulties to make friends or find a partner. He also makes good grades and was offered many different jobs. He is my succesful younger brother while I am everything he's not. Maybe I also think it is unfair that he has all the things he has while my younger birth sibling is forced to handle my birthparents expectations. I wish I just could be proud of him, of them both...

A Woman's Worth

In Korea

A woman's worth

Is valued more

Once she marries

It doesn't have to be for love

After marriage 

The importance of her voice

Increases for every child she bares

It doesn't even have to be a son 

Yet she needs to have a son eventually

Or else she will be seen as a disgrace

To her husband and his family

But also her own parents

For unmarried women

It is recommended that they

That they don't have children

Children that are born in wedlock

While children is encouraged for a married woman

Children for an unmarried woman

Is still a major social stigma

Such a woman risk becoming ostracized

Isn't it ironic

#WeDie

This year has been marked by losses. As a community, we are reminded that we are fragile. In the month of May we lost Jane, Gabe and Phillip.

You see, adoptees die both figuratively and literally.

We die when we are separated from our original families. We die when we are taken from our home countries. We die when the smells of our cultures are snuffed out by hamburgers and fried potatoes.

We die when we realize that we are not truly a part of those we resemble. We are outliers. We never chose this for ourselves.

And yet, in the month of November, this institution that brought us to our new “homes” is celebrated and revered. In this celebration, our voices have died. In 2014, we tried to revive with the #FliptheScript on #NAM. We were successful to a certain degree.

However, since that time, we still see our fellow adoptees take their lives.

What if, we took this month to honor those we have lost as well as the parts of ourselves that we miss.

If you feel the urge to share on social media, tag it with #WeDie to remind us of our community of adoptees.

Feminist columnist, Rosita González is a transracial, Korean-American adoptee. She is married to a Brit and is a mother to two multiracial children. Rosita was adopted in 1968 at the age of one through Holt International. Her road has been speckled with Puerto Rican and Appalachian relatives and her multiracial sister, the natural child of her adoptive parents. While quite content with her role as a “Tennerican,” her curiosity has grown recently as her children explore their own ethnic identities. She considers herself a lost daughter, not only because of the loss of her birth family, but also because of the loss of her adoptive parents. After the death of her adoptive father, she discovered that he had fathered a Korean son two years before her birth; she is searching for him. Rosita recently returned from a five-month stint in Seoul, South Korea, with her family and their three cats. Follow her adventures as an adoptee on her blog, mothermade.

Filial Piety and Choices

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Filial piety is still of significant importance in Asia but especially in Korea-at less I know. When I think of filial piety it's probobably no coincidence that my mind wonders to one of my older sisters', when my birthparents were busy with trying to provide for their groving family this sister took on the role of caring for the younger children. She would probably have taken care of me as well and helped to raise me-she seemed happy to look after them yet I think it had more to do with the fact that she had no choice. She was expected to that and as a filial daughter she agreed to it.

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Not until 15 years later did she consider dating in the hopes of being someone's wife and future mother. The reason for that is that by now the youngest sibling had gone of to College. My sister eventually begun dating a fairly successful athlete-evidently he was promised a successful career in his chosen field but instead of going overseas he chose my sister and a future in Korea. Eventually birth father begun to contemplate that the end of his life was approching and he expressed that he wished my sister would give him a grandchild.