Monday, June 27, 2011

Spilling The Beans

I had my natural mother...I had the pictures...now came the quandry.  Telling my adoptive mother and sister my news.

I sat in my best friend's kitchen, trying to figure out what to do.  I'm not sure why I felt like I had to tell them so soon after this all happened...but for some reason, it was important to me.  I think I was afraid that if I waited, I'd hear "Well, why did you wait so long?  Are you embarassed by them?".  I'm not exaggerating when I tell you, that would have pretty much been word for word what I would have heard, by the way. 

Plus, with my adoptive sister, she'd found out some stuff out about her own mother and father but she wasn't interested in finding them.  Just not interested.  Probably afraid that her mother would be as crazy as our adoptive mother and who the hell wanted to have to deal with THAT?  (Again, not exaggerating the craziness...take my word for it).

And so, my friend told me to call them up and just tell them that I had something to talk to them about...as soon as possible.

I called them...and my sister said she'd call my mother to figure out when the talk could happen and she hung up...after asking "What's the matter?  Is this a bad thing???".  I hate that her immediate thought was that I'd fucked up again.  After all, I DO have two kids out of wedlock from two different "gentlemen". 

She called back and said she'd be driving out to our mother's apartment that afternoon at four, and could I meet them then?  I said yes.  She said, can you just tell me if something's wrong so I know what I'm walking into today?  I said, it's nothing bad.  She said okay (but didn't sound convinced) and hung up.

I brought my laptop with me to my mother's apartment and walked in.  My sister and mother were in her living room and I sat down. 

"So, I got this email yesterday...and I'd like you to read it...."

I passed out a copy of the first email I'd received from Christine and let them read it.

My sister looked up first..."This was the one thing we didn't think of when you said you had to talk to us!  We'd thought either you were pregnant again, or Steven had broken up with you, or your car had been repossessed again.  How do you feel about her emailing you???"

I pushed back the feelings of anger and hurt and said, "I think it's amazing."

My mother sat there and said, "Well, your father and I knew this day might come..."

I showed them the pictures I'd received.  My sister also thought that the picture of Cate was me at first...lol.  They were politely interested...but I could tell it made them a bit uncomfortable.

My mother didn't say much actually until she turned to my sister and asked her how SHE was feeling about this whole thing.  Was she upset that I'd been contacted?  Was she okay with all this?  She was afraid that this was going to bother her.

In that moment, I wanted to bolt.  It was the beginning of me shutting down with them in regards to my reunion.  I realized that for the first time, I was on my own.  I kind of liked it.

4 comments:

  1. Bravo! That was one giant leap and you took it!

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  2. From what else you've said on your blog about your a-family, it seems like they're not going to provide the support you need, anyway, regardless of how nicely/politely/sensitively/whatever you couch things. "On your own" seems healthier for you... though of course you're not entirely on your own. You have a support network; your family just hasn't come around to being a part of it, sadly.

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  3. I think you're right Mamacita. I have yet to tell them that I'm in reunion with my natural father as of December 2010...and I'm not even sure when/if I will.

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  4. It really hurts not to be able to share things with family members you love when you know they are not going to handle what you've shared, and your emotions, with care. :-( Good for you for being brave!

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