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Saturday, July 9, 2011

Hey Girlfriend!

So I’m a Lost Daughter, which makes me a girl.  And we all know that girls need their girlfriends.  Just turn on the television after 10 o’clock at night and you’ll be able to find Sex In the City reruns.  I can’t help but think when I watch Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda that their friendships seem like a fantasy.  And I think to a certain extent for most women they are.  For me as a Lost Daughter though, I find it an unattainable fantasy that I can only dream about.

For some reason, I’ve never been able to connect to other women.  I’ve tried, boy have I tried, but for some reason it has yet to last for a long time.  I have best friends who are girls but I tend to have problems.  It lasts for a while and then we get into a huge fight and something happens and our friendship is never the same.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking as to why that is.  I don’t tend to have problems with my guy friends, so why is it so difficult for me to maintain real and lasting friendships with women?  I think when it comes down to it, the one woman who was supposed to protect me as a baby, let me down.  My first mother gave me away, an ultimate betrayal in a way, and that was mere minutes after I was born.  I grew up wondering where she was, what she was like, and wondering what I did wrong to deserve to be given away.  I think that my problem with women comes from the fact that I don’t trust my own first mother.  She gave me away and I grew up knowing I was unable to trust her.

If I can’t trust my first mother, the one woman who was supposed to protect me, then what women can I trust?  I know that I push people away to test them.  I don’t mean to, but it’s been pretty clear in my life that I push others away.  Most of my friends don’t want to put up with that.  They don’t wait out the storm or fight back for our friendship.  I don’t blame them, and I don’t think I’d put up with that either.

It takes two to tango though.  I don’t think I usually fight hard to keep people in my life because when I was born, not a whole lot of people fought for me.  Well, actually nobody fought for me.

These days, I’m working through my trust issues and learning when I’m pushing people away.  I’m trying to learn to recognize my behavior so that I can take a step back and try to work through it.  I’ve got some great friends now and I’m going to fight to keep them.  I’m going to fight for them the way that my mother didn’t fight for me.  Maybe I will someday have the Sex In the City kind of friendship.

1 comment:

  1. This is exactly what Ive had to go through with my husband ie trust issues...and I have always said that most of the knives sticking out of my back were put there by women. I have a distinct scorn for the 'sisterhood', especially when I found out that my first mom had been a member of NOW. Sisterhood, eh? Where was my sister?

    Even now I have managed to cultivate a couple of close friendships with women after all but I often find myself complaining about them or finding fault with them, wishing that I did not have to spend so much time cultivating that friendship. I have been trying very hard not to sabotage myself. I was doing pretty good until this past January, when I was told that my first mom (with whom I had been in a fairly okay reunion with for 2 years) was killed suddenly and unexpectedly in a car wreck. Since then I have been fighting off the inadequacy and the "aw hell why bother anymore" despair. Funny thing is one of my dear friends lost her mother nearly a month after I lost my F-mom. And I had to have several sit down talks with myself to find out why I suddenly hated and got disgusted with her. I realized it was because she got to say goodbye to her mom via a funeral. I didnt even get that.

    Ah, I didnt mean to start a rant here- only meant to say I know exactly how you feel. Its the same with me.

    Sharon Ferguson

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