Saturday, September 10, 2011

A Day of Remembrance

My First Mother, Norma Carol Lowe, was born on 9/11.

She gave birth to me as a young, unwed mother in 1968 and was one of the first to inquire of the ALMA Registry (Adoptee's Liberation Movement) looking for her "son", being informed by the hospital staff and attorney after going through a difficult labor and c-section that she had given birth to a baby boy.

Sadly, she died in 1980, thinking she had a son who she told her family would someday "come back". But, in truth, she actually had a daughter, who, indeed, did come back, 10 yrs too late to meet her (again) on this side of eternity.

With my Mother's birthday on 9/11, I have finally been able to grieve her passing and loss of my dream to know her. I sit and watch the 9/11 Memorials on TV and cry for my Mother & the numbing pain she endured much like the innocent victims of 2001. It took years of slowly unthawing from the nothingness I felt inside, the day I found my Grandmother and heard my own Mother's story.

On my own birthday a few years ago I was driving alone, listening to the radio, when a beautiful lullaby I had never heard came over the waves, immediately catching my attention. It was Bette Midler singing "Baby of Mine" and the tears flowed again ~ but this time they were tears of acceptance. I could finally embrace the love I knew my Mother had for me all along, and the strong connection we shared. She is my Mother. And I miss her.

I Am Not Dead

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am diamond glints of snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush;
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds encircled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Author Unknown


In Memory

Today (9/11) is not only a day of "Remembrance & Honor" in America for so many innocent victims who lost their lives, it is also a day of remembrance for me,
as today would have been my nMother's 64th Birthday. How can I long for and
miss a Mother who I never met? Just ask the six million plus Americans left to wonder about the fate of loved ones separated by "sealed records" adoption laws.

For several years after finding her family and being told of her death and search, I walked around in a strange numbness. Although not able to "feel" grief at the time, I wept uncontrollably, without realizing the deep impact this news and my nMother made in my life. I watched, prayed & cried, just a few short years later, as my adoptive Mother battled the same disease that had taken my nMother's life.

Finally, after allowing myself to "unthaw" emotionally and feel the heart-gripping pain of losing my nMother, I was able to embrace that part of myself that I had rejected the same moment I learned the news of her death. That part that needed to grieve and live again, by embracing who my Mother was, and accept the gifts she had given me and carry in my heart always. We both love animals, the color purple, writing, and cheering for the underdog. But it goes so much deeper than that. She will always be a part of me... Happy Birthday, Norma. I love you.