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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Questions from a birthmother

the first pair I made
Osiyo& Hello: I wanted to share a link to my recent blog post Seed Beads and Porcupine Quills here. It concerns a friend's question: “If you love someone you want to know everything about them… Why don’t adoptive parents want to know everything about their child?” 

I also wanted to share this question with Lost Daughters and readers. What would you answer?

Linda wrote: "I wanted to keep my baby. Is it right that I was manipulated and coerced and lied to because I was single? It was 1971. The church I attended at the time and have since left still tells single girls and women that the RIGHT thing to do is surrender their baby. If I had had some support until I could get on my feet, or had a mentor who would have helped me, that would have been good. Instead it is 40 years later and I still have an unnecessary hole in my life. And I know from listening to adoptees that they suffered even in good homes. Losing a baby to adoption is something a woman never recovers from. And adoptees deal with issues their whole life.
Why was a couple's desire for a baby more important than my desire to raise my own baby?
Is it right that a mother can sign a relinquishment form 24 hours after giving birth? (in the state of Washington, 1971) In my case, it was more like 36 hours because of the time of birth.
Is it right that if there is time to revoke the relinquishment, the mother is not told this?
Is it right that an agency will NOT give a copy of the forms to a person who signed it.  And then later still refuse to give the woman who signed it a copy? Also is it right that they refuse to let the mother see the records about her own child?"
I will share with my friend as you post your replies...


  1. I honestly believe that it is insane to say you love a child, but are unable to accept them wholly. A child that is adopted and placed in the "as if" situation can't be completely loved. They aren't accepted as they are. A child that is the "fixer" is not loved, but a tool.

    An agency that does not give a document to the signature is disgusting. (Since I think all of them are disgusting, it makes me wonder.)

  2. "Why don’t adoptive parents want to know everything about their child?”
    But I do! I do! I take very seriously the issue of my children's "wholeness." I absolutely hunger for news of and from their first parents, and I simply do not understand a-parents that don't.

  3. Because for some APs the more they learn about the birth family the more is seems that the child is not really theirs. It can be threatening to see that not only looks but personality,interests, talents, even nuances and quirks are all inherited. This could make the APs feel that the child is more a member of their original family than of the adoptive family.

  4. Just to voice an opinion from 'this side' of the adoption triangle, there are those of us APs that do want contact, but it's the BP that has the secrets. ;) Let me tell you, I would love nothing more as an adoptive mom than to have my kids be able to know everything about their origins.

  5. I had to respond to this one because I know how to originator of this blog fells. I had a similar situation 42 years ago. Back it was not acceptable to have a child out of wedlock and keep the child. There was very little financial as well as emotional support. I,too,had a similar situation when it came to the signing of the papers. I thought that I had gone through the Children's HOme Society,but when it came time to secure information now,they acted like I never existed,and I have an unusual last name. Their archives does not show that I worked with them. Interesting??


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