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Sunday, October 23, 2011

Lost - Stranger In The Dark

I went off on a tangent last week for hours.  I found an actress who was the exact size, hair and eye color, and grew up near where I was relinquished for adoption.  So, logistics fit too.  My biological mother is only 4' 10" tall so that is a very defining piece of identifying information.  However, after thirteen years of serious searching and even having the best searchers attempt to navigate with the minor tidbits of information I have, and without my biological parents releasing their identities and with no names, cities, or states to go on, I gave up and put my energy into helping others and adoption reform.

But, the searching never goes away and is usually ongoing in some capacity.  I will always search faces in crowds, my heart will always skip a beat when I hear "You look just like someone I know", or like what happened last week's brief frantic attempt to "find".  I will always feel the power that not knowing my biological family has over me that will never go away.  I can not "get over it", I can not leave it in the past it IS my past I need to move on to the future.  And, I still feel like a stranger is looking back at me in the mirror.

Stranger In The Dark

Sometimes it seems so close and yet I stand so far away.
I seek the signs along the road to help me find my way.
Long distances I have traveled yet so many miles to go.
Against all odds I search around these obstacles that grow.
Traversing unknown territory I pray someday I'll find.
Solutions to enigmas that will easy my burdened mind.
Like Alice through the looking glass I strive to comprehend.
These mysteries that unravel in this unfamiliar land.
Clues are few no indications pointing to an end.
Lost track of all the hours and the time that has been spent.
Revealing truths in this life journey upon which I embark.
To unearth secrets that keep me a stranger in the dark.


  1. I so feel you. I will NEVER give up looking for my father.

    Like Alex Haley said:

    “In all of us there is a hunger, marrow-deep, to know our heritage- to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No matter what our attainments in life, there is still a vacuum, an emptiness, and the most disquieting loneliness. ”
    ― Alex Haley

    ...and it NEVER goes away.


  2. You got that right Mara. I can't stop and I couldn't make myself quit if I tried. I can go several days, and even months, but always I am drawn back into the search thoughts. It will never end.


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