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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Honesty

Well folks, reunion number two has failed.  No more contact, save email.  And maybe a phone call now and then.  All because I sent a "Hope you're having a good day!" text message.  And the wrong person saw it and started asking questions.  Happy Holidays!

There are so many reasons why reunions can fail.  But when it comes down to my failed reunions at this point, the big reason is honesty.  Honesty is so important in life.  It's where we get our integrity.  It's how we are open about who we are.  Its the basic part of a relationship.  You can't have a relationship, not a real one, with someone you can't trust.

My first mother and I weren't honest with each other.  Our reunion failed in part because I wasn't honest with her about my feelings.  She would say something that was hurtful and I would let it go and pretend it was all alright.  And these hurt feelings just keep building.  And so when things headed south, we had a relationship that was based on her hurting me and me not saying anything.  That's not the kind of relationship that can survive for a long time.  Our reunion also failed in part because she wasn't honest, with me or my first father.  She wasn't honest about what she wanted.  She let me think that she wanted to talk to me or potentially meet me and when I asked, the truth came out.  She doesn't think of me as her daughter and can't ever imagine meeting me.  She also wasn't truthful to my first father when I got in contact.  They are married so there was no reason for her not to say anything.  When I contacted him eight or so months later, she was furious with me for letting her dishonesty known.  Lies and secrets doomed our relationship from the beginning.

My first father and I started our reunion a little over a year ago.  I learned my lesson.  When he hurt my feelings, I told him about it.  When things weren't working out a certain way, I told him about it.  I wasn't mean, we couldn't always make changes to fix what I was hurting about, but at least he knew.  And he was able to apologize.  An apology can at times go a long way.  But unfortunately he kept me a dirty little secret in his life.  Our reunion has failed because he lied about who I was again to people who should know about me.  He was point blank asked who I was and he lied.  And because he doesn't want to be forced to lie again, he's cutting me out of his life except every once and a while.  Honesty would have gone a long way here.

I guess this post is to show people how important it is to tell the truth, even if it's hard to hear if you are forging a bond with your adoptee/first parent.  Let my tale be precautionary to you.  Secrets and lies hurt. They leave wounds that cannot be healed by a simple apology.  And that hurting will keep coming back.  I shutter to think of how others will react down the road when they do find out about me and realize they were point blank lied to.  So be honest.  It's a hard thing to do.  I know.  But so worth it in the end.


10 comments:

  1. Oh, Jenn. I'm so, so, sorry. Lies always catch up with people. I'm sad that your fp's don't understand that. I'm even sadder that they are missing out on what an incredible person you are and the joy they could be experiencing by openly embracing you. Sending you BIG cyber (((((HUGS)))))

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  2. Jenn - I am sitting here, feeling like I have had the wind knocked out of me, like someone has kicked me in the chest, right at the center of my soul. "I am sorry" doesn't express how I feel, though I do feel sorrow for you and for your first parents. They are missing out on an exceptional opportunity and a true blessing by having a daughter who is willing to do that hard work to rebuild a relationship. What they have done is wrong. I am so sorry this has happened in your life.

    It's a moments like these I want to shake my fist at God/Life/The Universe and yell, "WHY!!!??" Why can't I have a daughter like you, one who is eager and willing to be in my life again? And why don't you have parents like me, parents want to make amends and be a part of their daughter's life?

    I am so sorry your parents don't have enough courage to be fierce with the truth, to own it and live it. You deserve so much more than the crumbs they have given you.

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  3. (((Jenn))) I am so sorry!

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  4. Jenn, I get that and I am so sorry that your first parents are so incapable of being honest with themselves.... it is sad. It is the problem I have with my daughter. Never knowing anything at all and being told all kinds of wild stuff. I feel/felt as if I was some kind of strange toy -

    Hang in there and HUGE HUGS!

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  5. Thank your for YOUR honesty and for sharing your story. It's such a simple thing really, being able to see and talk to one's OWN mother. The vast majority of people throughout the world know their natural mothers and probaby talk with them all the time. Only adoptees are made to feel lucky and grateful to do such a basic thing as communicate with one's OWN PARENTS. Sounds like a recipe for low self-esteem to me.

    Even though social mores have changed, our existence still represents shame for many. I just hope, Jenn, that you don't think that you are in any way responsible for this latest rift. I feel for you. I really do. Hopefully, this won't be the last chapter in your family's story.

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  6. I feel sick hearing this, Jenn. I was so hopeful for you that things were looking up--even hopeful your parents were closer to telling your sisters about you. I can't imagine why they want to continue with the secrecy and lies. I remain hopeful they will come around. I am so sorry you have to go through this...on top of your other struggles. Wishing you well.

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  7. I'm so very sorry Jenn.

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  8. Thank you so much everyone for your kind comments. It's such a huge disappointment. But I guess that's what happens when you build a house of cards. It eventually comes down. I just figured I'd have more time.

    It really means a lot to me to come back here an see the comments. Honestly (;-)). Thank you!

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  9. It can be so difficult to put your integrity above everything else, but, as you say, if you don't things can go south anyway.

    I'm sorry for the fallout. But I'm proud of you for being so clear with yourself and with your first parents.

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  10. I'm SO sorry. What a hurtful thing to do. But I don't understand his reasons for lying (because he didn't want your first mom to find out or?). He could have broken the circle so easily, by being truthful and not giving in to her bad behavior. Oh dear! The truth is the only way forward, I totally agree.

    I'm not in the same situation with the lies but have been rejected by my biological sister, which is very sad as she is the only link to my mother as far as I know.

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