Monday, June 10, 2013

A Secret Wish

Gateway to Kumgang Park (Busan)
Everyone I am back, and I will be discussing a rather sensitive and emotional topic this time, namely death. But not in the way you may expect ... no as a reunited adoptee; I am aware of the fact that my views on death and dying might not be what you would expect neither should you consider it as an insult towards my adoptive parents. I am very close with my dad I guess I am what you should call a daddy's girl or I used to be at least when I was younger. Of course I love my mum dearly, she raised me and cared for me. Yet the love I received from complete strangers did not help erase the trauma or my conflicting feelings towards my roots and my new life.

I wonder if my soul will be able to finally find peace in the land of the morning calm, the country that once rejected me that I yet hold very dear to my heart....

I confess that I once and partially still wish and hope to once live permanently in Korea and maybe there is a small chance I might not consider attempting it if I manage to finalize my deepest wish....

This time of the year is supposed to feel light and happy since it's summer, I know and coincidentally it is also the time of my birthday and relinquishment for adoption (which is a really emotionally heavy time for me). And I do not know what it is like for other adoptees or even KADs but because of my adoption or maybe more the reason behind it means that I'm very aware of death and dying.

This could also be due to the fact that I'm still very much so in reunion limbo but I feel now finally, that the ground under my feet are no longer shaking... I know the honeymoon phase ended about 2 years ago or so, honestly speaking there is still a part of me that wants my omma and eonnis to come back into my life, but I realize now that I never might get exactly what I wish for....

About trying to reach out to my Korean family, there's no reason for me to do so other than a natural big life change like marriage or motherhood...

My mother almost died while being pregnant with me so too me pregnancy and childbirth is still very scary and adoption I would not even consider going there myself. If and this is a really big if and not a when I ever would consider starting a family I would like my child or children to have an actual father. And not too long ago my sisters had some serious female problems that required operations while my father was given a death sentence when he learned he had a serious form of cancer. It feels to me like death is all around me....

I am constantly reminded that there are no quick fixes, pills or remedies to end or erase the painful fact of ones adoption. I say painful here, because lately that is exactly how I been feeling. As far as I know the only thing that could erase ones adoption is the thing most people fear the most ; death. Honestly I did feel much happier and at peace before I was offered a temporary employment and I am not sure why I suddenly seem to have gone from a peaceful, happy and levelheaded person to a person who is very sad even angry at the world... I used to be proud of the fact that I once was adopted and I am quite proud that I also am a Korean adoptee. Yet at work I do not want to acknowledge any of that sort...

Reunion never is sadly, but I still have a longing for the country of my birth and this strange idea that if I cannot share my current life with my omma and older sisters than I would like to at least get a second attempt in my next life (and bare in mind that I'm not really religious to begin with). I have heard of friends and acquaintances that  managed and made brave attempts to live permanently in Korea with their Korean families, but I am no longer interested in that now I have my heart set upon being buried in Korea (partially or completely.)

Now I only have one final thing left to say to my omma and that is these following word:

Omma will I recognize you in heaven as my mother.... Will you still be my mother in heaven, omma. Omma, will you please be my mother in my next life ? 

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