Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Lost Relationships

“You were tossed away like a pair of beautiful, brand new shoes that did not quite fit.”  ~Donna K. Childree

Sometimes when unexpected, painful, life altering events happen there are just not enough words to express it, emotions run too deep, and there is nothing that can be done or said unfortunately.  It just is.  When you are an adoptee you can often multiply reactions by ten. 

So here goes.  I apologize if I repeat my poems in posts but they have always been the best way for me to allow the depth of emotions being adopted has brought to my life "out".  The triggers that can send us spiraling into a darkness only "we" know can often change everything about where we think we belong in life.  Or more importantly, don't belong.

So what do you do when you are a rejected adoptee who is also rejected by those who claimed to love you forever and stand by you for life?  What do you do when your heart is broken, life as you knew it has been shattered into a million pieces and is unrecognisable and everything you thought you would have forever is gone?  Well, for many adoptees you turn to those who "get it", you keep close those who understand, and you write.  You breathe, you cry, and you sing sad songs, and you write.

Relationship endings of any kind are a HUGE trigger for adoptees.  Much more than nonadopted persons could ever fathom.  Especially those that you don't want to end, but you know have to.  It seems such a cruel twist of fate for adoptees who have been abandoned by their biological and or adoptive families to continue to endure the abandonment of other loved ones.  But, it happens.  And it sneaks up on us when we least expect it, and it pulls the rug out from everything we have depended on and it brings back all the feelings of being alone, of being unworthy, of never being enough.  And we fight the demons of rejection with every ounce of strength we have.  The whisperings in the back of our minds that try and consume our souls that say "You were never good enough and you never will be".  And we try to remember who we really are, and turn to those who help us remember, and know that it was never about us.  It was always about what adoption did to us.

Is a lot of my poetry dark, bitter, and gloomy?  Absolutely.  But, it's a part of me that was kept bottled up for decades until I came in contact with other adoptees who got it.  And then, I am reminded of the line in Shrek "Better out than in".  And I laugh a little....and continue on.

Over Cast - Depression

A gloomy gray surrounds my soul and covers hope from which life grows.
With murky tints in hues of black and darkened tones where colors lack.
I know no sun or sky of blue eternal night my only view.
In shades of doubt my heart beats on where I exist but don't belong.
Lost chances and unrealized dreams paint the landscape that I see.
Defeating endeavors to escape these desolate hours that are my fate.
Upon the surface all is well most never see my private hell.
I struggle daily to survive and squelch the anger deep inside.
I try before it is too late to douse these fires of raging hate.
That burn eternal flames that kill my hope, my prayers, my very will.
Can't seem to win or to succeed exiled from life that others lead.
I wrestle with the endless doubt that I will find my way back out.
Where one day I will hope to find a peaceful and unburdened mind.