Monday, September 9, 2013

There's A Time and Place for Everything

I am a young female adult adoptee and likewise KAD (Korean adoptee).  I have lived a fairly good life depending on how you see it, but I have always felt like there was something missing like I was the odd one out. But my dear mum and dad spoiled me rotten with toys, gifts and love. In all honesty I could not have had a better childhood; my parents did the best they could.

I know it sounds like a cliche that my mum and dad loved me and treated me just as if I were "their own."

That statement is touching yet annoying in so many different ways and levels, but I won't get into that now. For a long time of my rather short life, I felt completely or partially powerless over choices and decisions that other children easily could make. To start, my mum has been especially strict at times when I was a child.  I was not allowed to this or that, even though other children my own age could. When it was time to select a High School programme, I learned that the decision wasn't mine to make either. And for a long time after I resented my parents for depriving me of that legal right, a part of me still does.

Now, as a young woman, I honestly have a hard time accepting at least two things: that there are people out there that actually might like me for me, without any hidden agendas. And lastly, that some people find me not only attractive but beautiful. Growing up as the only Asian girl in Caucasian neighbourhood, I did not fit into the ordinary perception of beauty.  Instead of blue eyes, fair skin and blond hair, I was blessed with raven hair, dark and mysterious eyes, and olive skin. 

A few years ago or so, Western men began to take an interest in Asian women because they seemed docile and kind, among other things. This has not exactly helped me open up to people or tear down all my walls.  On the contrary.  As a teen I was confused with the "comfort women" that old Western men used to pay for favors or travel overseas to meet. This has happened more times than not. How am I supposed to trust someone of the opposite sex... ?

Strangely enough, I have still managed to keep my belief in humanity even though you might think I would not. There's a saying that "there's a time and place for everything."  Yet, I still haven't found my place and my time is not here yet. Hopefully there will come a time when I will be content with life, feel a connection, and feel like I belong. When will I be able to make my own choices and decisions--or if you'd rather--when is it alright for me to fail and make an honest mistake? Not yet it seems.

Love is a complicated matter, and not too long ago, I reluctantly begun to open my heart.  As it turns out, it can never be. I was told to make a decision which I made; now there is no chance that it can ever be anything more... Well honestly speaking there's still a slight chance for something more... but in order for that to happen it would require a huge sacrifice one I am not willing to make for the time being. ( I cannot get into to many details without reveiling myself...)

Maybe I am naive, but I believed it was alright to joke around with guys. It turns out that someone got it all wrong. A joke is a dangerous thing. Even a smile--not to mention a laugh--could make your male co-worker believe that you might harbor feelings for him or like him more than just a coworker. I just don't know any longer.  All I know is that my life used to be much easier when I was unemployed, poor and unhappy. 

Now I am just unhappy. How ironic, that's the story of my life. That is my life.