Monday, November 11, 2013

Personal Assumptions

As an adoptee I've struggled a lot with low self esteem and self worth, nowadays my self esteem is much better it's almost great - while I still struggle with self worth issues. Self esteem and self worth is not the same thing by the way.

Here's what I'm trying to teach myself these days ;

I am worthy of love - my will matters , I should listen to it and live by it. I should stop to treat myself badly by neglecting and ignoring myself. I deserve nothing but the best, because I'm worth it. My opinons matters to me and the people who are kind to me.

For me as an adult adoptee it has proven very difficult to relearn some of these preselected assumptions because as adoptees society tries to tell us that we're useless , don't deserve the things we have or the life we choose to live and that we should be grateful towards (our new parents), that we must be grateful for the new life we got instead of the one we left or never got to experience. And if I do feel anger towards my parents its not horribel it's alright and I need to accept it and move forwards and eventually forgive them.

I've basically been told by people that:

I should feel grateful and be happy that I'm better off.
I've felt rejected and unwanted not worth anything.
Occassionally I still believe I'm not good enough.
I don't deserve happiness and I shouldn't expect someone to love me.
My short life has taught me that society is hard, living is difficult and people can't be trusted.
There must be something wrong with me since people always leave me...
I've learned not to listen to myself, not to trust myself and to put others' needs ahead of my own.
I ignored my own will to say no more times than not out of fear of rejection.
I rarely expressed my opinions and views on things.
Your parents didn't love you, so you're unlovable and don't deserve love. 
I wish I never were born, I shouldn't be allowed to live and breath. 

That's a short selection of previous assumptions that I used to believe. I'm trying to teach myself the value of me these days - that it's alright to have feelings and display them publicly. I shouldn't ignore my intuition but ratter listen to it. I deserve to feel and experience happiness and joy and I should expect someone to love me because everyone deserves to be loved. The people who chose to leave me did so because they wanted to not because of something that I did. I should not sell myself short or neglect myself any longer. It's nothing wrong to knowing your own limits and it's perfectly alright to say no to something if it's what you truely want. I shouldn't be afraid of voicing my opinion. Just because my parents didn't love it doesn't mean I should live a lonely and loveless life. If I have had bad friendships and relationships its not the universe getting back at me, its' because of a choice I made.

I've also realized that what I project in terms of feelings and thoughts is what universe sends me in return - if I believe people can't be trusted always leave and only hurt me then that's what I'll recieve  - even if what I actually want is something remotely different. Also I should not ask the universe for things I don't want but rather concentrate on the things I actually want instead but also try to be the change I'm asking for. I still believe all people are kind nobody is born evil unless it's a fairytale or movie. So if I want love I should try to become more kind and loving towards everyone in general only then will I be able to recieve it.

I'm basically a mirror of  my inner thoughts and deepest desire and if the shoe doesn't fit another shoe will come who might fit better but not be to my liking. I'd rather wait for the right shoe instead of just settle for something that possibly might be just good enough. I should not sell myself short but rather hold on and wait for the best because only then will I be true to myself. Your own actions determines how people will treat you. Love me the most when I deserve it the least...

I'll do myself a big favour from now on I'll take ownership of my own life !