Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Reunion, Culture & Love

Is it possible for people to walk through life alone---without making any commitments..? Commitments to other people and still be happy. As an adult adoptee I confess I do have major trust issues - and the thing I'm most scared of out of anything in the world is to be betrayed,left behand and forgotten. Maybe I have to resolve certain things within myself---and about myself before I do think about making commitments-- any type of commitments be it friendship,work or love.

I've chosen loneliness instead of friends, companionship and understanding not because I really want to--- but because it's safe or safer. I've been hurt so many times before, I'm not sure how many more broken promises and sad farewells my heart can withstand. So I'd rather be alone, the times I've tried to get closer to people has so far not ended very well.

Maybe it's the scared little girl inside me who still is trying to protect me I'm not sure. But adoptees do get hurt when they may be very young-- by the one person you would believe never would say farewell. Everyone's lives are different I know that, but in order for an infant, toddler or young child to become an adoptee the cild has to born and at some point surrendered to adoption, meaning the mother must somehow surrender her parental rights.

As someone whose been in reunion for 10 years, I confess I still struggle with the fact that my Omma gave me up because the culture I was born into valued boys over girls and as she already had six daughters before I was surrendered in place of a son. That's the second thing that still hurts me, how much I try to understand ---my brain and mind has I assure you. It's like my heart,soul and inner child simply won't allow me to forgive and forget.

I think that partially is due to the fact that the culture I was raised in is millions of years away from the ancient culture that I am a product of. How much I try to, I can't seem to fully understand it. I do respect it of course and I have been forced to accept the fact that the happy ever-after ending that you read about in books and watch on TV never may take place for me. Sad but try, you see my birth family wants me to understand their customs, traditions and values while I struggle with the same but opposite. Trying to make them realize and accept that I am one of them, but different and I really wish everyone in my reunion could try their best to respect each other.

The heart cannot choose who or when it will open up and start to love I realize that I do, when we try to force love to enter our lives it doesn't seem to happen. But how can I wish for true love when it feels like my own birth family rejected me again ? I have a hard time with making people understand me and I can't relate to people it seems I have very little in common with people in may everyday life. So I guess I'm looking for someone that's just like me--- someone who can relate and understand me and accept my past with all my flaws. That may or may not be another adoptee or a fellow KAD.

But love comes in all shapes, there can be love between a mother and her child, between siblings and friends---even between a human and an animal. My heart is big and filled with love and I do have love in my life right now--- it may not be the kind of love I want but it might be the only love I'm capable at receiving as for now.