I am not sure if I am content with the life that I have right now---I don't want to complain even if this post may come across as it. Disappointed---I feel disappointed in life, my life has not turned out the way I imagined it would when I was 14. I dreamed, hoped and believed so many things-- achomplishments and things that I wanted for myself. To be honest my life is long from what I hoped for.
Now I find myself struggling with others more than with myself, all I want is to get a purpose in life to feel like I matter. That I'm important and significant period. I won't lie being an adult adoptee these days aren't easy oftentimes immigrants and transracial adoptees get accused from society to be lazy and wanting to contribute to society by earning a living for themselves. Many are believed to take advantage of economic contrubtions and unemployment fees instead of working or wanting to work.
I have years of college studies behind me but the competition for work is hard--harder now compared to 15 or 20 years ago. Degrees and higher education doesn't seem to matter anymore instead it's important with social networks and who you know.
There can be hundred of applicants for the same work, I'm not lying now. That's plain and simple truth. Maybe it's connected to the economic recession that still has its grip on the industralized and developed world.
Is this what's supposed to be my future---a life in constant struggle; never anything else than a an applicant for social benefits from the state. This is not how I imagined life to be when I was 15---I am certainly glade that I didn't know anything about my future back then.
Honestly, my dreams and aspirations have so far been unreachable to me, and I find myself wondering if life always becomes what you want it to be or becomes what you want... Of course I realize that this may come of as a very negative post. That wasn't my intention.
Life is relative, I know that, there will also always be someone somewhere who is worse of than you are. We human beings all have a choice---life is full of choices and life itself is a choice (although I'm not talking about pro-choice or pro-life, that's something entirely different). To fully appreciate success one might have to experience hardship, challenges and failure.
Now I realize that it was too early for me to go back to Korea when I did. If I had the chance to re-do the second trip I know that there are many mistakes I would not have made. Now, 15 years later I can fully comprehend what it means and truely appreciate the cultural differences.
Of course it is easier for me to claim my planned move back to my motherland if I say it is to be closer to my birth family. It becomes easier to understand for non adopted people and acquaintences who otherwise might not understand. Not that they have to since my life is about me and my choices, I want to live my life for me not having to please others instead trying to make my inner child and what my soul still needs and craves.
There is a wellknown belief among people who believe in eternal life, one that I struggle to accept and to beleve in. Some physicic people claims that our souls are presented with different choices of their next life and that our soul is very much involved and actually responsible for chosing our next parents. The reason why I refuse to accept this should be obvious----- I refuse to believe my soul actually decided that I should be separated from my birth parents for life. Another saying is that adopted people are supposed to be old souls that has outgrown their previous environment and whould have to travel far to learn something they otherwise would not be able to.
Supposedly you should be able to tell if a person has an old soul by looking into their eyes. Maybe the saying that a person's eyes is window to their soul is correct. Honestly though would anyone be able to object and how can you prove the accuracy of these claims?
**I respectfully do not want any comments about God or religion, I am not a Catholic so please refrain from bringing God or religion into any discussion about this particular post.