Friday, October 16, 2015

An Adoptee's Fears

I wonder how many prospective adoptive parents still would choose to adopt if they knew the likely implications it may cause the adoptee in the future. As a young adult adoptee in my 20s I have recently begun to fully understand exactly how adoption have shaped me-made me into the person that I am. What fears I still live with unconsiously and daily.

To start with (at least for me) it's the constant fear of rejection as well as the fear of being abandoned and left to fend for myself, with nobody around to offer support. The last aspect would be the belief as well as feeling of never being good enough or worthy enough-good enough for somebody to love or worthy enough to have a nice job and employment.

My brother can't possibly share these feelings or beliefs, but then again he never searched for his birth family nor was he rejected twice like I was. 

The world is not out to punish me or get me back because I was adopted, rejected twice or not good enough. Life's a process and life is in constant change and move forward.

Sophia Bush aka Brooke Davis in One Tree Hill, 13th episode of season four  "Pictures of You"

My dad once told me that my brother who never seems to suffer any setbacks would find it difficult to handle failure. That he wasn't near as emotionally strong like I was. 

I wonder if that was really true or if he just said so to console me... 

Personally I realize most of the things are in my head , but that some of these feelings and beliefs are very hard to stop to believe. Maybe once I fully grasped this life might improve for me...
Sometimes I believe everything might just be in our heads , that it's the actual person who has become his or her worst enemy. What's needed than is to change your pattern of thinking which--- trust me is easier said than done.

But how can adoptees succesfully change their thoughts when a large part of society still expects us to behave like we're unworthy---not good enough and should be nothing but grateful. Not only grateful towards our parents and because we were adopted but actually grateful to be alive. Do birth parents expect their natural children to be grateful towards them for hiving given birth to them ...? I don't think so-- society still differenciates between biological children and adoptees. Maybe that's the core problem here...

I guess I always will have to struggle with the feeling of never being good enough. Always being undeserving. Nowadays I learned to cope with those feelings but I won't lie some days are very rough. I even used to think that my family was better of without me. I wonder if the loss an adopted child is ever acknowledged by the birth family.... That's a feeling and thought that gets me through. To know that my birth parents wanted to raise me but instead they were lied to. Told I was dead. I have to keep on living. Just to prove that person wrong.