Saturday, November 28, 2015

Nam15. Day 28 Unknown Messages (related to adoption).


What aspect of adoptee experience is not discussed enough in your opinion?

Personally it wasn't until I reached my 20s that I understood that there were some people-even professionals and experts that truly believed adoption caused PTSD in adoptees. That notion really resonated with with me and I do believe it I just wish society would too. Instead of dismissing it and brushing it aside.

So what exactly is PTSD and how do you recognize it adoptees? Some people are convinced young children don't have memories if they just get love they'll be alright.

Some additional sources to learn more about PTSD in relation to adoption.

Especially if the child becomes an adoptee in infancy but it seems that human pysyche is more complicated than society previously believed.

The bond between a mother and her child is sacred-should be cheerished and protected. But for adoptees the unfortunate or planned separation from their birth mother will cause a trauma. Especially if the young child is relinquishment or maternal separation.

The only defence mechanism a young relinquished child has to help them deal with this is too either cry or become or react to physical touch and anger.

Adopted children can be classified in two different categories. The adoptee will either act out or become complient to what degree depends on each different child. So it should not come as a surprise that 7,6 % of adopted teens were more likely to commit suicide than their non-adopted peers where only 3 % of teens seemed likely to the same.

While the adoptee that acts out will try to start from parents, teachers and even friends just to prove that he or she is unlovable or just rejecting the same people that once rejected them.

The most common reaction from society and APs is to try to convince the adoptee that need therapy- rarely acknowleding that adoption can result in trauma.

For the complient child it seems to be even more devastating since they not will be responsible for causing any issues or be well engaged and intergrated basically appearing as visibly successful.

Such a child is likely to be overlooked. The important thing to remember is that they both are hurting from the same experience that was the adoption trauma.

The difference is that the APs make a concious choice to initiate adoption just as the birth family appears to be able to make a similar choice. For the adoptee there never was a choice it was something life altering that actually happened to them.

For a newborn and infant the maternal infant bond is of major importance. Since studies has shown that a infant newborn will be able to recognize it's mother's voice. Nancy Verrier author the Primal Wound explains this in her book.

I am an adult and grown woman free to make my own choices, decisions and mistakes. My APs especially my mom is of the opinion that you always should seek help if there is something that bothers you. Even my dad agrees but I'm no longer a young child.

I've gone too therapy and counseling for over 20 years. I'm exhausted now. I no longer what good it could come out of me going to yet another psychologist or professional. I made this decision since I struggle to see what good could come out of it for me, if I bring up all my issues yet again.

There are other solutions than adoption. I know I say this many times but in my case I never was an orphan. I had an intact birth family with older siblings and birth parents who were married. In that sense I never was an orphan. My birth family was poor at the time of my birth- but I don't think that's the entire truth. Yes they were poor but 20 years later they are still poor. So I do not believe that was the real reason.Perhaps there's an orphan hojuk for me since my adoption wouldn't have been granted. So many things in my adoption was not according to official guidelines.

I realize that there are things I must accept for as long as I lived I have wanted to know my actual birthday. Or more especially what time of the day I was born. Because of my special circumstances I will never know that. My own birth mother doesn't know and the only other two people that may know I can't ask.

That is the only aspect I'm willing to accept.

If I ever will decide to seek theraphy again it must be with someone who believes that adoptees can suffer from PTSD. That adoption in itself causes a trauma that most likely will develop into PTSD.

My APs wants me to seek theraphy and just accept that my life is the way it is. Sure I could that, but I refuse to do it. Simply because I want someone to acknowledge that.

I feel like there are so many trivial choices that my adoption relinquishment has denied me. My APs is also responsible for adding to this feeling. I was not allowed to choose my college my APs decided it for me. In a way I might resent them for that but my APs seem unwilling to realize how I react when someone makes decisions for me. Much like my adoption.

It will not be able to make me feel better it will only benefit the trained professional that might get a rare insight into the mind of a transracial adoptee. Thank you but I don't want to feel like an experiment or someone's guinea pig. Secondly, these trained professionals more often than not share the same or general view that most APs (to transracial adoption. I know my opinions don't go hand in hand with the generally accepted opinions. There's no point in trying to make me feel better since adoption never will feel alright to me. Yes it's my life- unfortunately nobody ever asked me if I wanted to be separated from my birth parents.

Aren't children supposed to rebel against their parents at some point !? I don't think I'm a rebel based on my opinions in other eyes than my APs. I suppose my APs always will see me as that infant girl all those years ago. I think it shouldnt be seen as some adoptees are rebellious. It's mostly a natural part of growing up and forming your identity.

I also asked myself many times if my APs would have adopted me - if they knew the events surrounding my birth and adoption. I assume they still would make the same decision. A part of me just want them to recognize and validate that my adoption was a total mess. I just wish they would give me that recognition.

How painful the relationship would be to my APs and especially to my A mom. Reminded of the loss of my birth mother. My mom was elated when she first layed eyes on me for her I was the child she never had herself. I love my mom but I also love my birthmother my omma. In my love for my mom I am also reminded of the fact that she isn't my birthmother. The very notion of my mom is a bittersweet reminder of the Korean woman I never got to know. Not as my mother maybe as my birth mother only.

That is sometimes difficult for me to handle to this day and I admit I tend to be somewhat rude towards her. While the relationship to my dad - the man who married my mom and who I know as dad is an almost atonomy. My dad represents the first male role model I was presented to. He alone has had to compensate for my feeling of rejection based on my gender. A feeling I grew up with and became familiar with. For years I used to believe that was the truth. My truth and my birth family's reason for giving me up for adoption.

Finally realizing you were loved and wanted despite of your gender isn't someting you simply can unlearn. A part of me still believes that since Korea's society is what it is. Even today.

Every relationship I have attempted I have struggled to keep. Or tried my best to get rid of not wanting to get close to other peple. Not wanting to become vulnerable. The one person that was supposed to never leave me, I never got to know. For years I did believe what society wanted me to think- it was in my social study. It's a fact that society is a patriarchy even the most feminist and equity friendly country in the Western World. It was easy for me to believe that I was unwanted based on my gender since Korea's society and culture has a strong hierarchy and patriarchy. That's the reason why so many girls are adopted over boys. Which in China has led to the unfortunate development of redundance of boys while girls are in deficit.

It is actually false to think that the birth mother once made a concious choice to relinquish their child to adoption. Yes the relinquishment ocurred but that does not mean the birth mother should be held accountable for that decision. Many times the birth parents might not even be aware that their child was adopted to begin with.

Even though the adoptee may or may not have physical evidence to support that statement. The truth is that in cases where the agencies offer counseling and guidance since they have a self interest in finalizing adoptions that is what they will argue for. Even though the birth parents initially may not have wanted to over make that decision. Sometimes neither of the birth parents are aware their child was sent for adoption.

The social study might exist in two different versions one official and one that is carefully concealed and untranslated.

Certain things may very well become taboo to discuss with your APs as you become an adult.

Not sure if it's just my APs that have major problems with accepting my views and opinions relating to my own adoption.

Far from all adoptees get adopted into a loving family. To think that is to be naive. There are numerous cases of interracial and domestic adoptees that becomes part of abusive families. Not every adoptive parent will be able to provide an adoptee with the future and life that they deserve.

Even if you are fortunate to be adopted by the right APs I belive that adoption never should be sought. Children are not supposed to be separated from their birth families unless there are extraordinary circumstances present. Otherwise I would say that foster home and foster families are better. Not that any of the options is to be desired. Not if you ask me. They are just to different types of evil that manifests differently. Neither is better than the other.

The number of children your APs chooses to bring into your family will not automatically feel like your sibling. Yes you and your sibling may all share the same APs. But it is a presumption that all adoptees within the same family structure grow up and feel like natural siblings. My younger brother and I would most likely never have known each other if it wasn't for the fact that we were adopted by the same couple. The age difference between us both is another significant fact.

I think there are some sort of glorification sourranding constructed familes from adoption. Normally nobody expects two siblings to get along or too share a special bond. Why is it so when it comes to children that is raised by APs!?

Not every adoptee is driven by the same things, my younger (adopted) brother is the exact opposite of me. He has very little interest in his birth parents or culture. I don't know if that's because he's a male or if it has to do with the fact that he seems content with his adoption.

As far as I know he has shown very little interest in searching for his birth parents or visting (our) birth country. Every adoptee is unique not everyone feels the need to search for their birth parents.

The agency from where I was adopted had a policy that allowed adoptees to apply for a birth family search as young as 15. The reason was that the system was welltrusted. Of course a nation or agency that has been active for 60 years or so is expected and assumed to have some experience.

How complicated a birth family reunion really is. My birthfamily insists I should be grateful towards my APs. Reality is that it is estimated that about 2000 adoptees travel to their birth country to search for their birthparents. Among those who actually manages to to find their birthparent/s it's less than 10 %. It is not possible to make up for lost time or to mend ties as easily as one might want to. The place that was meant for the adoptee has most likely already been filled. If you try to move in one direction you obviously risk upseting your APs. But a reunion isn't supposed to be about the APs. It's meant for the birth family and adoptee.

This aspect might only relate to transracial adoptees in comparison to domestic adoptees. To my understanding they are less likely to experience that language barrier that most adult adoptees are forced to deal with. Of course, I am not saying that domestic adoptees never are subjected to adoption trauma. Of course they are an adoptee is always separated from their birth mother.

I remember that my APs strictly forbid me to mention my thoughts about my birth family - perhaps they feared they would lose their last remaining child.

Until I traveled to Korea I never knew this. That some APs refuse to seek citizenship for their adoptees resulting in KADs still being Korean citizens despite the fact that they may have been raised in the US and even biult their own life and family. Many of these unfortunate US adoptees have been deported back to Korea.

For male KADs that traveled back to Korea it might be a shock to learn they were in fact Korean citizens and not Americans. If they were 18 or older they were forced to do the mandatory military service.

I asked my APs and they told me they did have to seek citizenship for me and my younger brother. Those adopted in later years automatically got the same citizenship as their APs.

US adoptees didn't get automatic citizenship until 2000, but older adoptees still weren't able to get retroactive citizenship. In case their APs didn't seek citizenship for them. Retroactive citizenship for US adoptees is still not suported by the law.

Reunion might not bring you the happy ending that you wish for. You may get some answers but not all answers. I think I am on the brink of accepting that whereas I still struggle with getting society and my APs to realize that I most likely is a victim of adoption trauma. I would be the adoptee that acts out emotionally and physically while my younger (adopted) brother would be the complient adoptee. In my mind he is the embodiment of my APs perfect adoptee son, as close as one could get to having a child that isn't biologically yours.

In the agreement between some foreign adoption agencies it is stated that the adoptee will have the oppertunity to maintain their native tongue and the prospective APs are obliged educate themselves in Korea's culture. That isn'ty a promise that the foregin agency should deliver since that is a muncipality and school decision. Intercountry adoption is more expensive than domestic so if agencies are able to influence birthparents than they are more likely to opt for intercountry adoption.

Furthermore since Korea hasn't signed the Hague convention they don't have to obide by the regulation that states that no adoptions can be signed until the child is one week old. It also means that any foreign agiency don't have to obide by the regulations that Korea accepted from them in return.

Closed adoption and open adoption is not better than the other. In open adoption the adoptee is never adopted overseas.There are also some sort of continued relationship with the adoptee's birthparents. Some say that is better in comparison to being adopted through a closed adoption.

That significant maternal bond between the birth mother and child seems to be restored once they met and than destroyed when they have to part. That does not seem ideal either.

Intercountry adoptions are always closed the birthparents are not supposed to know the whereabouts of where their child was sent. Once the adoptee is of legal age they have a choice to try to find their birth parents.

Untrue. I've actually heard many stories where the birthparents actually were able to find out new country of residence for their child. In some cases the birthparents were successful in tracing them. So not all birth family searches and reunions are a result of the adoptee's wish to find their birthparents. Sometimes it can be the other way around-the birthparents could be the one desperately searching for their lost child.

Perhaps I have been trapped in the general notion that Asians are almost White. Which isn't true, it could not be further from the truth. I too am a woman of colour and I do belong to a minority (at least here in the Western World.)

I'm honestly not certain if there are some situations where I have been subjected to the White privilege or not.

Since I am an Asian woman I have been stereotyped to be a docile Asian woman that has no opinions of her own. I only got think about it since it was a main theme in Greys Anatomy. Apparently Dr Shepard unconciously trusted Dr Wilson's words over her own opnion about Dr Edwards.

Greys Anatomy season 12 episode 7 Something Against You source

I'm personally not certain if there can be instances of White privileage towards Asians or not. Maybe there are or maybe there is none. I doubt that though... Because Asian isn't almost White Asian is Asian. A different ethnicity or race. Racism yes of course but in terms of White privileage I'm not certain it manifests as White's being better than Asians...