Saturday, April 16, 2016

It Was Never About My Brothers

I feel like I might be running out of stories to write here at Lost Daughters, which to me has been a safe haven and secure and safe environment for many years now. I just realized there is one topic that I so far haven't shared with you---why, because I haven't felt it was appropriate to share just yet. Now though I feel like the time for this story is just right.


You should all be aware of the fact that my relationship with males has been very problematic, and especially the male relationships I have with my two brothers; my younger brother Namdongsaeng but also my adopted younger brother. I was given up for adoption because of two important things; 
poverty and disappointment at a very unfortunate time in my birthparents lives. Unfortunately I was extremely hurt, I felt rejected, uninportant, unwanted and unloved yet I also felt very sad because our existances were so dependent on each other. He might not have been born if it hadn't been for me and my relinquishment. The patriarchial society and. hierchial society that Korea still is- I have despised, but I'm beginning to accept it now.
Psy, Oppa Gangnam style source

My brother is someone who I deeply love and I would sacrifice a lot for him only to see him happy. Over the years our relationship has been strained and difficult with many arguments, disagreements and even fights. Now I realize that I never disliked him---how could I ... To me my brother represented everything I wasn't, successful, outgoing, karismatic and kind, not that I don't have those qualities too I do.  The feeling of being secondbest, and not good enough made me almost resent him at times-he often took it upon himself to remind me of the fact that I should be grateful for the things he helped me with and he often used that argument as an excuse for me to give him things in return. At times this things he gave me only further strenghted my feelings of never being able to repay him--- always being in debt to him, owing him a favor. The thing is I actually never asked him to help me attain the things he so easily gave me.

What I can say though is that my life have been enriched by the very existance of my younger brother, I am very proud of him but I can just as easily dislike him in the next moment. I have never actually disliked him, I love him just as a natural sister would it is only his actions that sometimes can't understand or accept... That is the difference.
Being born as a female in the 20th century being young and maturing into an adult in the 21st century - maybe there's no surprise that I do have similar opinions and beliefs that feminists have. For that reason though I would acknowledge that life seems to be easier for men since a large part of the Western society is a patriarchy-still. This does not mean I feel like a young man trapped inside the body of a female nor does it mean that I search for love in other females. Anyone who might have believed that I would be a secret lesbian or bisexual woman, now you know you know the truth. I also hope that this will be the first and only time that I feel like I have to defend my own thinking. 

Don't get me wrong I do appreciate him, but I don't actually "owe" him anything since it was the doings of my parents who ensured I got the help I needed. Other than that I would say our relationship is just like an ordinary relationship between a brother and a sister. I honestly have nothing to compare it with either and perhaps I shouldn't. Since every human being is living person and a unique individual that would mean that a sibling relationship would be just as unique...

To me the fact that I had a younger brother, used to be a hurtful reminder of my own adoption, in the first place at the same time it also reminds me once again of the beliefs that Korea still is resting on. It was never a question of disliking Namdongsaeng or not accepting my younger brother. The very idea and concept is what is still hurtful to me. What both my brothers respresents--that does not actually say anything about how they are as individuals.

Maybe I need to learn that these things never has been depending on each other, they explain why I have felt like I do sometimes. Perhaps I finally am ready to be the older sister that my brother was forced to learn to live without-in a weird way.

Kim Tae Hee, Lee Wan source

This does not mean that I will ignore the fact that these relationships are painful to me, yet they offer me unconditional love. Children's connection with their parents are important as they grow up but the relationships that generally lasts longer are between siblings. Luckily for me our relationship may still be mended because time is on our side.

Because of my unhealthy and irregular relationship with men as well as my start in life I find that I tended to search for a another male Korean- KAD or otherwise. Hoping that they could replace and compensate for all the things I lost when my birth father never became my dad.

I still struggle with major trust issues since that sacred bond with my birth mother was broken. For years I resented my birth
father and all I wanted was to make a mends with my birthmother and older sisters. I wasn't until my birth mother that seemed to ill,very resently- that I realized that it actually was my birthmother that seemed indifferent to me. Instead it was my birthfather that went through all those troubles. Trying to get me back, dissolving my adoption and discovering my current location. Still being genuinely interested in my life yet he is now suffering in  silence. The roles used to be reversed it used to be my birthmother that had to suffer and endure in silence. Or so I used to think at least...

Around the time I was in my late teens I began to hear stories of other KADs whose birth parents tried to get them back-some even tried to search for them even though the law says such actions only can be made by the adoptee..

It wasn't until a few years later, when I learned my birthfather too, had visited the agency to try to reclaim me. Supposedly he may have visited them more once, in the end he was only able to learn my new country of residence.
are you really certain your bithparents tried to get you back... it could be something that they say to everyone...
Since international adoptions from Korea is considered safe, and no matter what an international adoption from Korea can never be dissolved. My own APs were never told that my birth father had visited the agency in hopes of reclaiming me as his while also dissolving my adoption.

Life is not fair, just like international adoption and especially intercountry adoption from Korea is anything but fair.

Sometimes, I wonder what my life would have looked then... I want to make one thing clear, I have never doubted that my life would have been worse. I would still be loved, this time by my flesh and blood... (My APs and my other brother loves me too) sometimes I wonder if, both I and my brother were nothing but a second choice and last resort to parenthood for my APs. For them the reason the chose adoption, was a selfish one which they openly has admitted. They have also said they always treated my brother and I

as if we were there their very own
the thing with adoption is just that, those children were not yours not from the beginning....