Saturday, December 30, 2017

Forgiveness Heals All Wounds

It seems I've been living my life incorrect, I cling on to past events and fear that history will repeat itself. People have told me several times that I need to stop living in the past or else I'll always consider myself a victim. I know I cannot change what's already happened-it was beyond my control. Yet I still seem unable to simply move on, time doesn't heal all wounds. The trauma that was done to me came at such a crucial time in my life that it still affects me as an adult.

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A few years ago I went on a greif-counseling seminar and the person said we have to forgive ourself or ask for people to forgive us. Instead of seeing the events as independent or connected events focus on the relationships you have with other people even animals and inate objects.

This would mean I am more or less forced to forgive my maternal relative for what they did to me. I wish it would be the other way around. A part of me doesn't want to forgive this relative, especially not since my birthparents chose to cut all ties with this person. Their betrayal was to great. Maybe I will be able to eventually forgive this person. Forgiveness is one thing but forgetting is another the trauma I still suffer from is the cause of all my problems. They are of such a nature that it simply is impossible for me to just forget them the damage was to great...

Time does not heal all wounds and sometimes it's not possible to just forgive...

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Once I managed that I should probably try to forgive my birthfather-for years I held him responsible for separating me from the rest of my birthfamily. Now I know he is without guilt just as my birthmother is, my birthmother didn't even know if the child she just gave birth to was alive or not. I believe I also need to forgive her for thinking she agreed to being separated from the child she had protected for nine months.

That only leaves my younger siblings, I used to blame my younger birth sibling for being born and in a way I held them responsible for separating me from the rest of my family. I am saddened that my separation meant I wouldn't get a chance to get to know them as their sister. I know I also should forgive the younger brother that my APs had- I used to somehow punish him for being the brother that I ultimately lost. I also used to compare myself to him which probably was unfare because we are total polar opposites he is social, funny and outgoing he excels in everything he does. He seems to have no difficulties to make friends or find a partner. He also makes good grades and was offered many different jobs. He is my succesful younger brother while I am everything he's not. Maybe I also think it is unfair that he has all the things he has while my younger birth sibling is forced to handle my birthparents expectations. I wish I just could be proud of him, of them both...




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