Thursday, June 30, 2011

An Adoptee - Through The Looking Glass

I had a major realization about a year ago when a coworker who was older than I was asked me when I was going to change my "Alice in Wonderland" look and begin to act my age.  I was not shocked by this comment as this woman was from a different era and twenty plus years my senior.  But I did began to think about the fact that I was still, at age fifty, trying to keep myself like that youthful little girl I had always been.  And, being the introspective person I have always been wondered why I have never really changed my look or my hair style much over the years.  And then I had an epiphany.

It's hard to grow up and into "yourself" when you are adopted and don't have the foundation to build upon in knowing where it is you came from.  Or, the situation for many adoptees, that of not fitting in where you where placed.  There is a lot to be said for the knowledge of roots and family history, something adoptees have no say in or right to in most states and adoption situations.  I have to tell you I DO feel exactly like Alice in Wonderland in Through the Looking Glass.  Well, why shouldn't I resemble her then.

Adoption is such a surreal experience for so many adoptees.  Sometimes I feel as though I am trapped in a  dream I can't wake up from.  With all sorts of characters and people trying to tell me what and who I should be that doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever.  A land where everyone feels at home and I am a foreigner searching for some sort of normalcy.  A world where everything I feel and experience I have to question because I am told it is wrong and admonished and reprimanded for not adhering to the status quo.  And just as Alice, when I try to voice my opinions or what I think, I am treated as a perpetual impertinent child who is incapable of behaving properly and as expected.

Adoption as it has functioned will never make sense to me.  I feel as though I don't fit it to this world.  I know I am far from the only adoptee that feels this way.  Most times, I just feel invisible.


People look right through me as if I don't exist.
Like I am invisible and easily dismissed.
There are no explanations, or reasons simply defined.
This life that I am living, it's doesn't feel like "mine".
I watch as people act their parts as if the world's a stage.
I feel part of the scenery and not part of the play.
The sham I run is innocent always pretending all is well.
Hidden deep below the surface are secrets I don't tell.
Playing roles to fit the story changing day to day.
As a ghost bound to it's castle, so I am I to this charade.