You'll find a bit of a ramble over at my blog Once Was Von: about what I call 'the hot potato' and the issues which surround it. Many adoptees experience 'the hot potato' in reunion or in striving for reunion when they are welcomed or make themselves known in a family or a relationship and are suddenly discarded, dropped without notice or sent the 'Dear John' letter.
"While most of us dream of our mother, whoever she might be, I have yet to find any adoptee who believed in the myth of the perfect mother. By the time we reach the stage of reunion we are no longer children, dreaming the dreams of children, haunted by the past we may be, but we have made an adult choice about our future. It takes courage to follow through on the decision to search for our mothers, our history and our family. It is not just a fun bit of geneaology, but holds deep significance, connection to our true identity and the often deeply painful quest for the knowledge of why we became adoptees."
The feelings and need we have for connection to our biological relatives and knowledge of our families are part of our identity. We often have a longing to look like someone, have a sense of humour that fits in or interests in common with people we can call family. Some will never have those chances to belong. If reunion becomes possible, it gives a family a second change to welcome us or to discard us. For those who suffer again, adoption can be a lonely place.