Monday, July 9, 2012

Lost Voice

The Sands of Time

Sifting through the sands of time examining my past.
Watching life I call my own pass through the hour glass.
So much has been forgotten, so much I've left behind.
So much that has been buried I search for but can not find.
People who have come and gone and those still here today.
Faces I have never seen who long since went away.
Missing links and histories leave only gaping holes.
Oh how I'd love to hear all of those stories left untold.
Each has left their mark upon my soul and memory.
This life that was created an everlasting legacy.

Over the last thirteen years since the rejection from my biological family, who refuse to reveal their identities and confront the secret that I am in their lives and coming to terms with the reality of my adoptive family situation and further rejection, I've used writing as a tool as an outlet for all of the emotion that comes with being adopted.  It has been a great way for me to express and share my thoughts, feelings, and fears not just to others, but for myself as well.  Lately though, I've found I've lost my ability to put pen to paper, or really fingers to keyboard, and get through the depression that has stemmed from all the further rejection I continue to experience.

I've struggled with multiple genetic health issues, many chronic and debilitating, since the age of fifteen.  In the last year my physical condition has deteriorated even further.  With that often comes huge depression and I have been in denial not about the fact it exists, but about the fact I have not been able to come to terms with all of it.  And that neither set of my parents seem to care.

Being adopted for those who are not is difficult if not impossible to understand.  Many of the health issues I have like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and the impact of the rest that take a toll not only on one's body but also mind and spirit, are also extremely hard to grasp.  I've been left feeling left out of the regular world most everyone else lives in.  We all have our battles and demons to face but adoption coupled with continual rejection, judgment, and ridicule, can leave a person feeling totally isolated, alone, unworthy, unwanted, and continually misunderstood.

A good deal of the advice I get is “You have your husband, kids, and friends and that is your family you have created” and yeah to "get over it".  Yes, many times that it true you can create connections with others who can be "like" family, but sometimes that is not the case.  Spouses and significant others leave, friends abandon you and move on, and children grow up and leave the nest.”  It does not, nor will it ever, replace the loss of two families.

I believe myself to be a fairly intelligent and competent person.  I usually can find and figure my way out of most of life's dilemmas and problems after all, I've really had no other choice.  This one has me stymied and recently my inner voice has no words left with which to help comfort and guide me.

So, I have decided to pick back up the book I began awhile back and see if somehow my story might help educate and inform others of the realities many adoptees face.  As cathartic as writing can be, it is also an emotional roller coaster diving into all the pent up frustration and anger and below that, the great sadness and loss that plagues the depths of my soul.  Sometimes reopening the whole can of worms can be monumentally challenging, but, I feel the need to write it if not just for myself.  It will also be something to leave for my children and their children since they have lost part of their roots and history as well.  And, if someday my biological family  can ever come forward, I will be able to give them in print my story.  The quest for where I belong in the world, and who I became because of adoption.