Monday, March 25, 2013

I'm not an adoptee anymore

I'm not an adoptee anymore.

I've decided to just move on in my life. I will not allow it to affect my life any longer. I've been contemplating what so many AP's, fellow adoptees, and others have continued to express to me either on my blog or via email or in person: I just need to focus on the "good" that adoption has done in my life and stop getting "stuck in the negative."

Why didn't I recognize this previously? Duh, right? Why has it taken me so long to come to this realization, right? Just let it all go, put on a smile, and coast through all the syrupy sweetness of life. Forget everything else. The grief, the hardship, the daily reminders of the pain and loss? Yes, just leave it all behind. My Omma, my Appa--their pain, regret and sorrows--just let it wash away. Don't let it trouble me. The complexity of it all? Just simplify. Cut out all the sadness and longing, the division, the tension, the conflict, and hold onto only that which makes me feel good and giddy. Of course, why didn't I think of this before?!

And all of you who have so long wished that I would just snap out of it and stop talking about all the hard stuff and move onto the gooey goodness, so that your adopted children have an ideal adult adoptee role model to admire, well, guess what? I'm your girl! (Posters will soon be available.)

Ok. By now, most of you have picked up on the sarcasm, especially with that last parenthetical statement.

But there's a point to it all. It's not just for joking's sake. And the point is in the opening statement: I'm not an adoptee anymore.

In order to do what I just expressed above, I would have to stop being an adoptee. And of course, that's impossible. You might as well ask me to stop being Korean. I can try--dye my hair blonde, wear blue contact lenses, get plastic surgery on my nose and eyes, get some boob implants, etc., etc. Although after all that, I might not look as Korean, I nonetheless do not cease being Korean--the DNA is still ever present.

Being an adoptee may not be in the DNA, but it might as well be, because the effects of being adopted are just as pervasive and irrevocable.

And honestly, I'm having one of those weeks, the kind that I seem to have every other month or so, when I want to stop being an adoptee. Of course, I can't actually stop being an adoptee. But I often have strong urges to sever myself from the adoption community and go on my merry way.

Obviously, I will always be an adoptee. And my life will always be affected by it.

Sometimes, I do wish I could go incognito. Adoptee Relocation Program, anyone? Oh wait, that's how the whole mess began. And unfortunately, unlike what so many folks seem to want to believe, it can't be undone with teachings on gratitude and love, or by flipping some mental switch.