|Photo Credit: Farlane, Creative Commons|
I wanted to believe something different than what was...than what still is.
The fantasies I conjured up as a child were much more workable for me than the fragments of truth I discovered.
"God...why can't things be different?" I cried out over and over again.
Without facing reality, there was no true peace.
Because lies never co-exist with a contented spirit.
Deep inside, authenticity called out. Begging me to come to terms with it.
Only looking at it squarely could it be reckoned with.
The cast members in the story of my life were happy with me pushing truth down. As long as I didn't face up to reality or speak of it, their lives were easier. I worked fiercely to make them comfortable, and in doing so wasted away inwardly bit by bit.
Standing in the fog, and staying quiet, I was true to everyone but myself.
Becoming authentic and then speaking from that place was terrifying.
Why so terrifying?
It required risking being abandoned all over again.
The thing most adoptees fear worse than anything and try so hard to avoid.
It's why many of us stay in toxic relationships far longer than we should.
It's why a lot of us find ourselves getting betrayed much more often than many of our non-adoptee counterparts.
"Why does this keep happening to me???" we ask ourselves.
"Do I have a target on me?" we think.
Truth be told, many of us do.
We are magnets because we will put up with mistreatment over abandonment. We are easy prey, putting up with abuse just so people won't leave and trigger us.
Then, something shifts.
Maybe we first sense the voice of God in our spirit, speaking and saying, "I'll help you break free."
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I've had that experience. As a person of faith, I held tightly to God's hand as I dared to step out of the fog. Actually -- I didn't just hold God's hand, I squeezed it.
And like God is famous for doing, He sends people. Because God has made a habit of including people in on the process of what He does. A kind soul appears, extending a hand. They offer to help us on our pilgrimage out of the fog. We gratefully accept their invitation and begin the inward trek.
That happened for me.
The adoptee community surrounded me. People took turns, soothing my fears and binding my wounds. All of them, Jesus-with-skin-on.
We face so many difficult truths in coming out of the fog, but here's a beautiful one...
We don't have to come out alone.
We also don't have to put up with mistreatment because we fear abandonment more.
We have faced it once and survived.
We can face it again, if necessary.
We can stare it in the face, and win.
We are strong.
|Photo Credit: Photography by Sabreena, FlickR|
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10