Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Love of Furr

Don't let the title of this particular post scare you away, if it does I don't blame you.  No this post is about the only form of unconditional love that I so far has been able to experience (besides that of my mum and dad). Guess who managed to capture and steal my heart some 7 years ago? A little innocent - or so it seems soft, furry kitten. 

It might seem pathetic or tragic that I so far has yet to discover , create and establish a love relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Who I do love? A pet, my pet - I decided to get the little guy once I moved away for university and had my own place even if it was a bit restricted. I resoned as such that I had a lot of time instead of space. Dad being the city boy that he is didn't approve of the idea while mum at the time seemed more understanding she's a country girl who had pets while she grew up she even approved.
As much as I love this particular cat I know he isn't the best cat or even suitable around children-not that I have any. Not yet. The thing is this lovely cat is anexious in nature, and extremely scared of the tinest thing we're similar that way. 

Maybe my relationship to my beloved cat embodies all my past friendships and connections that I managed to both create - and ultimately destroy. Being an adoptee has meant, at least for me that I have created bad friendships or destroyed the ones that had potential. 

 I know his days are counted, he's been saved from the last resort to many times. All because of me (and mum). Possibly it's childish to hold onto something so dangerous and unhealthy as this friendship seems to be. But I'm afraid of how my life would seem without this little 7 year old guy. The man who stole my heart and doesn't care to give it back. Who walks on four paws, is covered in fur, has a tail and who loves fish.

Maybe it sounds crazy to choose the love of a pet over a human relationship-any human relationship with someone of the opposite sex. To me my beloved pet is in a way my family, since he happens to be the one I chose many years ago.

No matter how you look at it, even reunited with my birth family there still remains a major gap of lost time. Time and memories I would have had with my birth family was instead created with my new family. Because of the lost time, years in fact my birth family only partially know me (which is understandable) since I was raised in another culture, learned another native language and was thought other values and beliefs. Maybe this gap cannot be overcome in this life time this is my life long struggle and sorrow.

I choose to love a pet in return for unconditional love which I otherwise would receieve from parents and my own children. Since I am not yet at a place where I feel comfortable to bring a child into the world this is the next best thing to me. Motherhood might not even be for me, I am not certain if I would be suitable to raise and care for my own child. Presently the whole experience reminds me of my loss; the pregnancy and the childbirth in particular. Yet it is of course possible that my deep wounds and my inner child actually could be satisfied and healed once I become a mother.