Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Family Ties

From time to time I find myself wanting to get closer to my birth siblings than what I am. Than I need to remind myself of the events that happened and the family dynamic which I am starting to accept. I can now , finally accept that my reunion did not turn out as well as I had hoped. More importantly I no longer blame myself for the disappointment...

Pride and Prejudice (1995) Simon Langton

My birth family are above the average size, there's a father and a mother and a daughter and a son. So far so good, but there's also five additional daughters as well as one daughter that my mother carried and gave birth to -(that would be me). Instead of rasing the average 1,2 children--- the needed son and loving daughter my birth parents decided to raise a family of seven children. At the time it was still important for a man to recieve a son and for a wife to give birth to a male heir. My mother had failed to give birth to a son after six daughters and 15 years of marriage but the pressure as well as most apparent need meant that my parents still required a male heir. That is understandable and maybe even more so, once you learn my parents also were farmers among other things. But up until my birth my father had had a respected role in society with a wellpayed job.They could afford to raise their children until everything went bad...

The year I was born their affluent life changed to a difficult one with poverty, and today my birth family are still poor. Since they had added not one but six daughters to the family they could not (take advantange of the state's child support,(that first was implemented in the 1990s). Not only that but the family dynamics aren't what you normally expect to find---not in any family. My siblings are all grown by now with families of their own and yet my birth family still struggle with making ends meet, I am certain that they wouldn't be as well off as they are if one of my siblings hadn't decided to marry a wealthy foreigner. Had it not been for them, I think life for my birth siblings and parents might have been even worse. Everything has a price, and in order for my birth family to end or improve their financial situation one of my siblings had to find a wealthy spouse. This union was needed for their livelihood but with it the family dynamics changed.

Our parents have been forced to rely on their child and spouse-inlaw not only that but our remaining siblings has as well. Even the older ones, it's like the child has become the parent and the pupil exceeded its master. Maybe this explains why I am reluctant to look for love or refuse to accept a life where I'm not independent or in control of my own life. I absolutely fear to one day find myself in a situation where I would not be able to earn my own money. To be in a marriage where my supposed husband would be the sole contributor or main breadwinner with a couple of children as well.

For reasons that are to personal to share my APs said they would support my search for my birth family-but that might only have been fancy words. The reality was much more complex to the point that my adoptive parents clearly stated they wanted nothing more to do with them. I find that both hurtful and insulting in so many levels not only for me but for my birth family too. To my adoptive parents my birth parents are of little impoortance and bares no significance in their life. Even though they were my first parents and always will be. To my adoptive parents that is no big deal, initally though they were greatful to my birth parents. But the tables has since turned and I find myself stuck in the middle wanting both of them in my life without having to exclude the other. Maybe I feel strongly for this since I was not supposed to be adopted in the first place, circumstances was not in my birth parents favor thus I was sent abroad for adoption.

I assume my Korean mother is relieved I was healthy and more importantly alive, but as for forming a relationship with her it seems not to be possible for that right now. My birth mother has enough on her plate with seven adult children, marriages and their grandchildren to worry about me. Because she has given birth to eight children her voice carries a lot of weight. The same does not seem to apply to my beloved birth father I think he still cares about me, the one that got away. Perhaps one day it will possible for us to mend our broken ties...

Sense and Sensibility (1995) Ang Lee

I personally don't think that is fair and I wouldn't want that for my future children because I have experienced that once. But I don't judge how anyone else decides to live their life, even though I know that as humans we all strive for finding love. Giving love as well as recieving it, I cannot give or recieve any love not until my soul has found peace.