Thursday, December 31, 2015


I wish my life was different---at least some aspects of it. I concure that I'm disappointed, yet I do hold no regrets. My love for them---my family hasn't changed at all. Now I realize that I need to accept that my expectations were too high, maybe once I realize that I will be able to end the blame and blaming of myself. I refuse to let time heal all wounds--- life is painful sometimes and more of a journey than a mere destination. I don't want to move on if it means that I should forget my birth family. Forgetting someting as important as that would be to deny a part of myself and live in constant denial. However just as I don't consider myself to be a victim I realize that life sometimes is more complicated than what the surface makes you believe.

We also need to realize and accept that we cannot control or change other people to be what we may or may not them to be. The only thing we can control is the development of self--even if we might want to change people's opinions, arguments and beliefs that remains outside our human control. I must start to look within myself and accept myself completely as I am. Without thinking that it requires me to change, abandon or compromise on something. If you're not willing to allow me the freedom to be myself  than you're not worth my attention, energy or time least not my friendship or any kind of love.

I could have had a daughter or a son already but fortunately the young life was lost before it could be confirmed. Maybe things happens for a reason I was way too young back then not emotionally mature even if my age indicated otherwise. It would have been an abusive relationship too...

Some experts or so called mediums believes that our souls sometimes return back to earth. Sometimes these people and more so a young child are convinced that they had another life before their current one. That they have some some kind of purpose that makes be incarnated and then there are those who goes eve further. And argue that every soul gng their gets to make a concious choice about their parents and in so doing their very life and future.
If that is true I wonder if I really made the concious choice to be born by one set of parents while raised by  other people...  I'm not sure if that thought comforts me or disturbs me the most...  A physic person once told mom  claimed that adopted persons have very mature souls, souls that reached the limit in one continent now have no choice but to go on a journey to a different culture. While they say that some also say that it is common that the some souls are reincarnated into the same family...

If tht is true I actually resent myself and wonder why I conciously would have made the choice I made. Because I wish my life was different, more than anything I wish I never would have lost my older sisters. That's the thing I miss the most yet I also know it's probably not possible for me to ever regain that.

My life with my APs has not been bad by no means yet a part of me actually wish I never would have beeen adopted that I wouldn't have had to be separated from the country of my birth and lose it's unique culture. Then  I would at least keep my original mother tongue and be raised and aware of a culture and society that I never fully will grasp.

Yet I won't lie mom and I often but heads-last time was just before Christmas I overheard one of my mother's phonecalls I hadn't planned to believe me. I wish I could unhear what I heard...

this almost destroyed our family.... this has saved my family.

Suffice it too say mom was supposedly sharing wih a very close friend, and I shouldn't be surprised since my dear mom has acted like this since forever. Or to be fair for as long as I can remember.  What exacly did those snipets of dialogue mean you may ask. I became extremely hurt since mom was blaming me for all the previous drama in her family and she was grateful that she actually could hold me both responsible and accountable for the wrongs in her life.

That's exactly how dysfunctional my relationship still is with my dear mom. I don't know how to fix it I just hope I will not grow up to mimick her when I'm older. This is also one of many reasons why I fear starting a family. I absolutely don't want to grow up and become my dear mom.

Even though I love my mom our relationship is still very much defined by our loss and pain. I lost my first mother; my birth mother and I've been denied of knowing her but knowing of her. Mom was never able to become a mother from birth maybe the loss of the children she never got still haunts her. I thought we were long past the blame game but maybe I was wrong. Perhaps the blame game never ends... I'm not sure of how our relationship will be in the future it seems that we both have to accept our differences as well as different points of views.

I've spent half my life resenting patriarchy and men based on what my social study said. That included all men in general as well as my birthfather but strangely enough never my dad. The next ten years I confess that I struggled with new but not surprising knowledge that my birthparents had a younger sibling after my birth or because of my adoption. I was and still is happy for them despite everything when I first discovered this thought I truly resented this younger child. That younger child got a life I felt should have been mine.

That strenghtened the belief that I was unwanted and tossed aside based on my gender. Yet if that would have been true I doubt that I would havebeen  the only child my birthparents would have relinquished. So to my younger siblings I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.