Saturday, May 28, 2016

Damaged Goods


As I grew older, I was sometimes told and often heard that adoptees would be similar to damaged goods, that relationship as girlfriend and boyfriend would be difficult and that it would be potentially challenging for a spouse if they ever married an adult adoptee (especially transracial adoptee). I really dislike these prejudices sure they my be true-for some but than again doesn't everyone have their own share of personal struggles in life, everyone has as far as I know.  Not too long ago an AP told me that I shouldn't spend my time on things I cannot change instead, they advised me I should spend it on my birth family. Same person also told me parents are humans that make mistakes. Clearly this person didn't hear what I was saying or rather they didn't want to listen to what I had to say. 

I will not deny that there may be specific issues that some adult adoptees stuggle with as they go through life. First, the feeling of never feeling good enough, a lack of self worth. Second, abandonment issues and fear of rejection. Those are issues that adoptees may face however they are not an issue every adoptee struggles with, just as well as non adopted person may have a hard time dealing with the exact thing.

(Dear adult adoptees - male adoptees too) Therefore, I can assure you that no, you're not unlovable or unworthy, you are just as precious as anyone else because there are no other person extcly like you. You are unique never forget that. Sure enough I had my shares of challenges related to my own adoption, but no I am not unlovable - I never was. Someone recently assured me of the fact that I am in fact worthy of love and I deserve to be loved. There's no need for me to change or censor myself, why should it be... Anyone who claims you need to change to see the error of your ways are not anyone I would be inclined to call my fiend and I should have to so I don't.


I was searching for a male father figure to heal my wounds and by doing this it it would be just as my Korean father apologized to me. The thing is though that I don't need to search for that kind of recognition - not anymore. Yet, perhaps it is easier for another adoptee to understand each others personal emotional struggles so maybe it does not come as big surprise that many end up up with another adoptee.

I know I used to say things like I'd never settle down and I would never marry and definitely not have an children. Things change as we develop and journey through life that's all I can say. So never say never or you might get exactly what you think you want. That day, the day I say never would be here has proven to be closer in time than I ever imagined.....

I am really not convinced I am in a position that would enable me to confidently raise a child in a proper way... That has to with the fact that I still love, or no I have in fact, always loved my birthfamily. The society I was raised acts like it is strange... Sometimes society has expected me to be kind and grateful towards my APs. In translation my birthfamily search might only destroy the woman that raised me. I even remember a teacher I had in High School, that acted really inappropriately towards me, it was really not her place to take her own insecurites and worries out of on me. Simply because she acted out of her own fear, as an adoptive parent not a teacher. She tried her best to reason with me, she did not want me to search for my birthfamily which I understood was her way to deal with her own situation.

Fortunately for me my APs supported my decision and my will to search...

I still find it difficult to deal with how I appropriate handle and display my loyality and unconditional love towards one family without hurting the other. There is no justice when it comes to birth family reunions' for adoptees, the APs or the birthfamilies...