Saturday, July 16, 2016

Life Is Complicated

You may or, may not remember my previous post about genealogy and social heritage. My own discovery that my dad's father was a foster child was eye opening too me. But I never told you that is very likely that the person who decided to take him on as foster child was in fact his real father. There is no real physical proofs of that --- nothing more than hersay and a rumor.

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But imagine to live as an adoptee or foster child being raised by a real blood relative who has decided to care for you for some reason. Yet since the foster father is married his wife dislikes you and influences your own father to mistreat you and neglect you. That was just what life was like for my dad's paternal grandfather.

People say it takes a special kind of man to willingly agree to settle down with a divorcée with kids or a single mother. Because raising someone else's child, whose biologcally not yours is something most men shy away from.

Isn't that just what adoption is though- taking someone else's child and raising it as if it was your very own?

Regarding my AP mom is it possible for someone to develop more narcissistic traits over time? At times I do not know how to handle her, she is constantly making sure she's in the spot light or benefits from her two children's private lives or issues. She even tries to still controll me and she made me self aware and self concious as a teen about my weight. She denied me to eat because she said it was a shame my tummy wasn't flat even though I was so young. She's gone behind my back twice, and she compares me with another adopted child and praises them instead of being neutral or praising her own children. She made me feel unworthy and not good enough, made me second guess myself a lot. I think I can say that the reason I developed an eating disorder, or at least a strange relationship to food is all because of mom.

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I don't think she was as narcissistic a few years ago, now she can't handle criticism or a constructive discussion any longer. I love my mom, but I don't love this side of her that I doubt anyone but I have seen.

If I ever do have children, I garantuee I won't treat them as my mom has treated me.

As an adult adoptee and young (Asian) woman, there has been many times when my APs have acted strangely towards me. My APs always spoke about my birth family and adoption when I was growing up.

Although, my adoptive father is very self concious and self aware of the fact that people in socety thinks I must be his much younger Asian girlfriend whenever just the two of us are out together. It has gotten to the point were he will refuse to be seen with me in public unless I dress appropriately.

I still remember when she made the comment about my lack of a flat tummy as teenager. Perhaps mom was trying to help me, but looking back now she managed to achieve the exact opposite. A good mother knows not to make comments about their daughters weight or appearances but I guess mom never  realized that. She takes after her own mother, it is apparently sshe that believes that thirty is middleaged and eed to dress age appropriate and  unprovoking not to entice men. That said my grandma is over 90 and mom she's over 60.

Of course my dad has mentioned how much it troubles him to my mom. Mom has always been very critical towards me, but now she is starting to insult me based on what I wear. Apparently there are not many items of clothes that she approves of that doesn't make me look like a prostitute and that is age appropriate. Because apparently, society does not approve of women in their thirties that dresses too provokingly.

If that really is what my insecure mom thinks of me then I guess I can't even step out of the house before someone assumes I'm a prostitute. This is absurd if you ask me-so all Asian women that choses to dress in high heels and short hemlines must therefore be prostitutes!? At least if you ask my mom, I refuse to let my etnicity dictate how I should be dressing.

Honestly I can't help but feel like my mom's opinions about the way I choose to dress is borderlining on racist. But then again maybe it's just me, and of course since mom already is self critical and insecure of course she would project all her inscecurities and fears on me.

Ever since that comment I've begun to pay attention how women my age dresses and since I noticed many actually do dress in short hemlines and high heels I suspect that it may be a racial stereotype that society has taught most of us. Because I do not honestly think my mom is a racist, but then again she could be just like my dear dad.

The thing is I never asked to be born by Asian parents, let alone to be adopted overseas to a European country in the Western world and raised by a Cacuasian couple.

As an Asian woman, society objectifies women like me, just like they ridicule and understimates Asian men. These views are slowly changing, but not fast enough if you ask me.



Moreover, as an Asian adult woman now, I really there is very little that I need to do to make society view me incorrectly.


Let me give  you two examples- in High School there were an older boy I sort of fancied he was Caucasian of course and part of the cool kids. Maybe it was my gutfeeling that prevented me from making that public. Now years later, I was horrified to come across this older guy that now bragged openly about traveling to Asia and visiting prostitues. We were suddenly coworkers for a breif period and it made me really uncomfortable to say the least because of course he still remembered that I once expressed a sign of interest in him. At first I thought it was kind of a funny coincidence that we both ended up working at the same company. But that was before he approched me and asked me sexual questions and even suggested we would be in a friends with benefits arrangement. Luckily I declined, the funny guy I used to know as teenager was now just creepy.

People has tried to persuade me and told me they ask you that because you're young but I don't think that's actually the entire truth. I still believe it has to do with my Asian ethnicity despite not being raised in Asia with Asian believes....

The second example I will mention is that my APs have a summer place in the Northern part of the country and even though I knew it had become more common for Caucasian middleaged or retired men to start a second family with young Asian women it never used to bother me. Not until this summer many of our neighbours now have returned from overseas vacations in Asia with a much younger Asian woman. I am not sure how to handle this since the small community now may believe that I also am one of those women when I am not.

I even heard people at the gym my father and I frequent make comments and imply that I am an Asian prostitue or my father's new commoon law wife.

When I think about it, I have conflicted feelings about my first boyfriend, it has nothing to do with revenge or wanting to get back together. Far from it, the fact is that I am ashamed to admit I feel for his clichĂ© moves which was him trying to impress me with his fluency in Japanese. I did love him, at the time but I would not even look at him if we were to meet now. He was my boyfriend for two years knowing what I know now I would not be the least infatuated with him. I would be outright disgusted.




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